Passion and Picket Fences

As some of my long-time readers might recall, back in the spring of 2004, I devoted many entries on this site to an old flame. Even though I'm married now, I do still occasionally ponder my past and wonder what happened to get me to where I am today. I remember when this particular man broke up with me, I told him that I would find someone who would give me a safe picket fence life, but that I didn't want that kind of life. I wanted a life with passion, and I did not see how passion could co-exist with a picket fence. To me, the two seemed opposite. Passion is exciting; picket fences are boring. Passion has a hint of danger; picket fences are safe. Passion is what makes us feel alive; picket fences are for people who go through the motions but don't fully embrace life.

A few months after this man exited my life, I met my picket fence man. When I said what I said to my ex, I didn't necessarily think I was being prophetic. I didn't know if I'd ever fall in love again, let alone with someone I met not too long after my heart had begun to mend. I certainly didn't believe as soon as I met this new man that I would ever fall for him the way I fell for my ex. Even though we were married barely over a year after we first met, the passion was not an instantaneous development. It took awhile for me to develop a passion for working with young people, and it took awhile for me to develop a passion for someone who was so very different from what I thought I could feel passionate about--someone who was stable and kind. Stable and kind spoke loudly of picket fences in my mind, and I didn't want picket fences.

But since that time, John has taught me that it's not only possible for picket fences to co-exist with passion, but it's more beautiful than passion without the picket fence part. To me, the picket fence is still about safety and trust, but I've learned that safety and trust is what makes an even deeper passion possible. In what is probably my favorite song on her most recent CD, Tori Amos sings, "The sexiest thing is trust." She's right. I have married a man that I trust completely, and while that is still scary to me, it is also exciting. Any time someone gives another person trust, a power transfer comes along with it. My total trust in John gives him power over me. Because my guard is down, he has the power to destroy me emotionally, and that is somewhat frightening. But at the same time, it's exciting to trust someone with everything and to know he trusts me with everything, too. I'm sitting at home right now. John is laying on the coach in sweatpants and an old tee-shirt. He had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday, and he's doped up on perscription painkillers, so he's been napping most of the day. A couple of years ago, this scene would seem mundane and miserable to me. Today, there is nowhere else that I want to be instead. I couldn't have envisioned that I'd feel so content in these circumstances before I met John and fell in love. But the passion makes the picket fence as exciting as the picket fence makes the passion.