Sometimes I wonder if I was born sad. Like maybe my DNA has a flaw in it, or a missing piece that makes depression an inevitable struggle for me. But then I remember my childhood. I was happy and carefree as a youngster. I didn't become sad and hopeless-feeling until puberty barged into my life. Maybe my genetic flaw is linked directly with those hormones that surged through my body when puberty forced its way in. I'm sure that depression, like other mental and physical disorders, could have genetic ties, and perhaps in some of us, those ties are sealed with the release of certain chemicals into our physiologies.
On the other hand, even before I first felt the looming sadness and hopelessness of depression, I remember thinking as a child that I was too happy and my life was too good. I actually remember thinking even in those days that if there should be tragedy in my life. So maybe its not genetic at all; maybe I wished the sorrow on myself. Maybe my depression is something I created for myself to help me to feel real (as the Goo Goo Dolls said, "When everything feels like the movies/Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive"). Or maybe it is a spiritual problem that I brought on myself because the missing piece in my DNA makes me uncomfortable with contentment.
In spite of my thoughts, words, and actions to the contrary, I buy into the theory that sadness is an internal problem and not an external one. Every time I start a new job, I get depressed because it does not instantly fulfill me or make me happy. I have changed careers--not just places of employment, but total career--three times since I graduated from college in May of 2000. Since I began my most recent job, I've already started looking for ways to get back into my previous field. With these frequent switches, I am looking for a satisfaction in my job that I won't find. I want my job to fill the emptiness that I need to work with God to fill before I even step through my office door. I am happy with my marriage, but even my husband does not fill the voids in my soul. Sometimes I get mad and frustrated, because I want John to have more power than he does in making me whole. In the name of finding wholeness, I have made Florida out to be a warm paradise where I could move and never feel sad. But I know that moving to Florida will not make me happy. It may be a temporary feeling of happiness, but in the end, that move would prove empty and meaningless, too. Just like the writer in Ecclesiastes noted, everything in life amounts to nothing more than chasing after the wind.
Ultimately, I am convinced that sadness is what killed my father and both of my paternal grandparents. I see these feelings eventually destroying me, too. Even if I can get them under reins with counseling or medication (neither of which I am utilizing at the moment), the sadness will triumph if I do not trust God to fill the voids within me. I have to hold onto the fact that His grace is sufficient for me to walk through my seemingly endless pain. My hope should lie in my belief that eternity will not hold sadness. But I do not trust myself to believe this 50 years from now when I am still chasing after the wind and finding everything to be for nought.
Posted by Kim at November 21, 2005 09:09 AMMark, Thank you for sharing your story with me. You are so right--circumstances, people, and pretty much anything this world has to offer will not make us happy or fulfill us. I'm still learning that lesson over and over again, too. I think so often about Paul's life. He did not have an easy life, but he had joy. Joy is deeper than happiness. Joy is knowing that when we are with God in eternity, none of the pain and anguish in this life with matter anymore. I am glad that you know Jesus, too.
Posted by: Kim at November 23, 2005 11:45 AMKim,
My Fiance reads your blog all the time. She too is a HS teacher in MD and she can relate and identify with a lot of what you write about. She told me about this post of yours and how scary it is that marriage, the closest of human relationships, still fails to complete us. I know I often believe the lie that getting married will fulfill my every need. The truth is that nothing of this world can every satisfy all our needs. That is a lesson I am forced to learn again and again. After reading this entry of yours I decided to write in and hopefully encourage you. You're not alone.
After I graduated from Penn State I began my dream career as a Naval Aviator. I am currently going through the Navy's flight school in Florida. Before I started flight school the Navy sent me to work with a Squadron in Virginia. I had the opportunity to do a lot of amazing things that I've always dreamed of doing (riding in a jet, landing and taking off of a carrier, going to air shows, etc). However it was a really lonely time in my life and it seemed most of my coworkers were sad and lonely too. These guys were pilots with the coolest job in the world and they weren't happy. For the first time in my life I fully realized how much I've been waiting for my circumstances to make me happy.
Life always manages to find new ways to disappoint and sadden me. I struggle to remember that I don't need more from this life but more of Jesus. It is the hardest thing but thankfully God is willing to teach me this lesson over and over again because I so desperately need him to. The pain and anguish that come from change and unfulfillment in this life is just our soul longing for eternity. I often forget that God can plan my life better than I ever could. I can trust that he'll bring me safely home in the end. Thank you for sharing your story.
God Bless
Posted by: Mark at November 23, 2005 11:16 AM