Broken Glasses

It's only been 6 months since our wedding, and I have already managed to break two of the glasses we received as gifts. I am too exhausted and there is not enough space in the kitchen. And I guess, too, I'm naturally clumsy and these other issues just amplify the problem. Each time a glass shatters, I list my inadequacies as a wife in my head. I'm not a good enough housekeeper, and I know it. That's why there are glasses on the counters to be broken. I work more than my husband and I am out of the house more than him, yet I'm still left to do the bulk of the clean-up duties because I have a lower tolerance for squalor than he does. I'm depressed, and that has nothing to do with my marriage because I have been depressed since puberty. My in-love-ness made me forget about it for awhile, but as winter has set in, the feelings have all come back to me. I don't like my job. I don't like any jobs, and I think that I am probably not meant to work since I can't imagine being fulfilled at anything that I would classify as drudgery. To me, all desk jobs are drudgery. At least all the ones I've held. And I'm not qualified to do anything away from a desk. I'm also sick again, which I hate, but can't seem to prevent these days no matter how much fruit I eat and how many vitamins I take. Last night when the glass broke, I stared at the chunks and began choking on my own breath. Wheezing and coughing on the wheezes. Trying to breathe, but needing my abuterol to remind my lungs how to work. My asthma tends to leave me alone in sunnier weather when my health is also better, but everything in my life shuts down in the winter. I'm not happy, and I can't fix that anymore than I can find all the shards of glass and Krazy glue them back together like new. I shouldn't expect to be happy; happiness was never part of the plan once we got kicked out of the Garden. The Bible is clear that many trials will befall us. Joy and peace can exist in the midst of trial, but happiness is different from joy and peace. When I focus on the broken glass, I find all three of these states elusive. Someone said that when we love more in one direction (i.e., God's direction), we increase our ability to love in all directions (because God fills us with His love for others when we focus on Him). I suppose my New Year goal should be to focus on loving in that one direction since anything else I cling to will slip through my fingers like a glass before it breaks. Happiness may never factor into the equation, but joy and peace run deeper than happiness. Happiness can shatter like a glass hitting the ceramic tile, but joy and peace can overcome broken glasses.