Crazy?

Turns out I may be crazy. Of course I suspect that those who know me best already knew. Have I been in denial? Or did I know, too? I certainly didn't realize I was so far gone that my physical being was now affected. Anxiety is a funny thing. It seems to have attacked me when my back was turned, when I thought I was choosing the path of greatest security. And least resistance. The greatest resistance has become myself. A roadblock to my own dreams. Choices I have made to move me further away from who I am and closer into who I "should" be. But what if who I think I should be is not who I should be at all? What if I should have just lived my favorite line from Hamlet and to my own self been true? Instead I selected to be true to my own vision of who my own self should be. To the detriment of all of me! Not only spirit but body, too? God created me as me not as someone else. Have I denied Him, too, in this denial of self? How do I dig myself out of the hole I've spent so many years creating? I'm not crazy. Or even anxious. I'm just not myself anymore.

Or maybe I am. Maybe my seemingly aimless wanderings have led me to a place where I can finally feel the freedom to be myself. Maybe what seems like a mess to me makes sense to God. Will I understand someday? Does it matter if I understand? Life is not meant to be understood. At least not to us. At least not while we're living it. Vainly we try to make sense. To fit our stories into neatly bound books. But what if there is no order? All random. All chaos. And the hole that is impossible for me to get out of alone could be exactly where God wants me. It is here where He proves His mastery of the impossible (Matthew 19:26). It is here where He takes my choices and even my mistakes and works them for good (Romans 8:28). Anxiety followed me here. Six feet deep. Six feet under where it will stay, where it could stay. Resting until it finds me again. In another hole. Further down the path.