Perception

I had a bad weekend. Not bad because I started the weekend with enough plans to legitimately be too busy too rest, not bad because of the on-going family fued that I was confronted with again on Saturday, and not bad because I was dreading work today, although I would be lying if I said that I was looking forward to this day. My weekend was the kind of bad where I cancelled all the plans I could and spent most of my time curled up on the couch under a fleece blanket wearing a XXL t-shirt, a pair of my husband's athletic shorts, and a red bandana on my head in what my husband lovingly terms "Aunt Jemima" style. This weekend was the kind of bad where I didn't want to leave my house, and I certainly was not going to answer my phone and actually talk to someone. I barely even spoke to John! I took this weekend to wallow in a self-pitying depression in a way that I haven't wallowed in a long while.

My misery began Saturday morning. Since June, I have known that my field hockey team was going to scrimmage my alma mata, and I've been dreading it pretty much since I found out. Even though I graduated high school in May 1996, the same man who was coaching the team when I played is still coaching today. I did not leave things on a positive note with him. Long story, but basically I felt like he didn't want me on his team anymore because of my eating disorder. I viewed him as a coward and I've been holding a grudge ever since. Not very Christian of me, I know. I was insecure in high school, more so even than I am today if you can imagine it. Going back to the scene of my insecurity, eating disorder, and unforgiveness left me with a sick knot in my stomach from the moment I stepped out of bed. And it was all downhill from there.

I realized even on Saturday that it was all an attitude thing. When I got mud all over my khaki shorts when moving the sprinkler on our field before we left for our game, I had a choice to either laugh it off or feel bad about myself because of it. A scarlet letter in the form of a dark brown splotch marking my weakness and proving I don't belong. I smiled as much as I could in spite of it, but when we got to my old school, the knot tightened. I soon learned there would be no officials at this game and we would have to officiate ourselves. Yes I played the game and yes this is my second year coaching, but I would rather have been at my desk changing student schedules than officiating. I am not quick enough in calling fouls, and I get my hands mixed up when I'm trying to give the signals. I told the varsity coach that I did not want to do it. He told me to do the best I could. The best I could was pretty bad. The varsity team finished with the players and parents pissed at me and me feeling like bursting into tears. I wanted to appear sophosticated and polished in front of my former coach not even more clumsy than when I graduated! Varsity lost 11-0. It was all up to my team to salvage what was left of my dignity.

Never one to hide my moods, I had to be reminded by the varsity coach to "keep it positive in front of them." Oops. He was right, of course, but I didn't know how to be positive when I felt so negative. We were being dominated from the beginning and ended up losing 4-0. Better than varsity, true, but still somewhat demoralizing for a team that never played a game last year where they didn't get a few shots on goal and at least one point. Saturday we barely left the 25 yards in front of our own goal. Afterwards we got in line to slap hands with our opponents. I was banking on the fact that my old coach wouldn't remember me and I could escape in anonymity. No such luck.

"Are you Kim?" He asked when I reached him line.

"Yes."

"I thought that was you! I couldn't tell because you didn't come say hi to me. How are you?"

What is this? Could this man actually be happy to see me? All these years I thought he judged me and hated me and he's actually happy? Could I have been harboring unforgiveness and my own judgement of him for no reason at all?

We talked for several minutes, and it suddenly occurred to me how much my perception had impacted the negativity I had been nurturing all these years. What's past is past. It's time to let it go and move on. I am not the same insecure girl I once was. God has brought me too far for me to still quiver in an utter lack of self-confidence at the sight of my past. I may have done a crappy job officiating and my team my have lost, but this man still wanted to talk to me. I may have failed at my job for the day, but that does not mean I am a worthless human being.

My pride had wanted so badly to exact revenge by crushing his team and looking great, but God would not grant me prideful satisfaction. God had another plan. From what I can tell, He wanted to teach me humility. But even more than that, I carried away the lesson that even though humility may not feel natural, being humble does not change who I am in Christ. If anything, humility means that God is better able to work His power through me. God did incredible things through Moses, He even talked to him face to face, yet according to Numbers 12:3, "Moses was a very humble man, more humble than anyone else on the face of the earth." I am not comparing myself to Moses by any stretch (I'm certainly not faithful enough for that!), but I do think humility is important to God even if it feels uncomfortable to me.

Nevermind that I left that field still feeling pretty low. My revelation about myself did not salvage my weekend. In fact, I went home mourning the officiating disaster and feeling like a complete fraud as a coach. This then led to me mourning the wasted time and energy I spent to enter my current profession. I have written many times about how far separated my current job is from my dream. Most of my depression over the past year has been centered around my dissatisfaction and feelings of regret from the choices I made that led my down this path. I'm only 28, but that still feels too old to start from scratch on the career front. Or maybe that's all a matter of inaccurate perception as well.

Perception is a powerful thing. More powerful even than reality. It certainly beat me down this weekend, and it's been the force that has been beating me down since puberty if not before. Satan knows the power of perception well. It is the very force he uses to deceive us. When we listen to him, he distorts reality and thereby changes our perception of all we think we know. He is the father of lies (John 8:44), so it is no wonder that he tries to change our perceptions to the point where reality is blurred and we're all living in our own little worlds. Sometimes we really do mess up and make bad choices. But when we believe that it's too late to rectify a situation, we are believing a false perception. God can bring good out of everything, even our own mistakes (Romans 8:28). If there is one area where we cannot allow our perceptions to be distorted, it is in our view of God's power. Satan would have us put God in a box, but don't be fooled. The God of the universe cannot be contained no matter what lies we believe about Him.

On another note, has it really been a month since my last post?! I'm such a slacker!

Posted by Kim at August 28, 2006 07:38 AM