There is not enough Visine in the world to make my insomnia-red eyes white again. If you're wondering why I haven't posted lately, my endless exhaustion pretty much sums it up. I am so tired because I cannot sleep. Usually I fall asleep, but medicated or unmedicated, I always wake up a few hours early and cannot fall back asleep. No, my body is not telling me that I've slept enough. I know this because if I was sleeping enough I wouldn't feel so spent all the time. I'm waking up because my psyche is telling me that something just isn't right. And I know what it is.
I am a person who likes to have control, but the God I serve prefers for my life to be reserved for His purposes rather than mine. No doubt His way is better, I've learned this time and time again, but what makes me lose sleep at night is worry about everything I have no control of. Everything I think I want but know I may not get and everything I imagine could happen to disrupt my comfortable status quo. I have plans, and the Bible has something to say about this:
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. --Proverbs 19:21
The bad news is that after a lifetime as a Christian, I still need to learn to trust and surrender. If I trusted more, I could rest easy knowing that the God of the universe has my back and I have no reason to worry. I could also trust that I do in fact have no control and therefore worrying is futile since what is going to happen is going to happen regardless of whether or not I'm well-rested or up all night.
The good news is that my plans don't even begin to measure up to God's plans for me, no matter how wonderful a future I think I have mapped out in my head. I come back to Jeremiah 29:11 over and over again on this website (that is, when I'm actually posting on this website on a regular basis!) because it is a lesson that I constantly need to remind myself of--God's plans for me are good. He has a hopeful and prosperous future planned for me, not a shoddy one. Worrying about my plans is a waste of time when I'd literally be better off focusing on God's plans because His plans are better.
Posted by Kim at October 16, 2006 12:20 PM