I haven't posted in awhile, but not because I haven't had anything to say. I haven't posted in awhile because I've had too much to say and I couldn't figure out where to start. So I'll start with this: damn all the self-righteous judgment-casters. I'll start with that because I'm going to say what is on my mind even if it means that some self-righteous people are going to feel the need to talk. I'm tired of censoring myself out of fear of being judged by them. I'm going to be real and raw right now.
I'm depressed. Not crying all the time or contemplating suicide depressed, but more of a general despondence with life. Some of it can be tied to my circumstances. There is definitely a lot of stress in my life right now, and it seems like a whole lot of little things are falling apart along with the bigger things. To run through a litany of all that has not gone right over the past two months would take much longer than I what I feel like giving right now, so you'll just have to trust me that it's a lot and that it runs the gamut from the heat breaking down in the townhouse right after we finally got an offer on it to the smashed side window on my car to the knee pain that I'm taking to the orthopedist this week to the fact that I feel completely disconnected at my current church to the broken relationships in my family. A lot of it I'm sure is just the nature of life and I shouldn't be wasting my time in my comfortable self-pity, but I can't deny the spiritual toll that all of this has taken on me.
Remember Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty? He said he felt like he was an ant and God was a mean kid with a magnifying glass. People laughed. I laughed at the time not realizing I would one day know that feeling as well as I do now. I'm supposed to be leading a good life of example, but I'm too worn out to care. So instead of faking it, I'm going ot be real and say that sometime life just sucks. Period. If that makes me ungrateful than we can just add that to the list of things that I need to repent for when I have the courage to pray again. I was talking to the one person whom I have told how I'm really feeling and he said, "So you feel like Job?" But that's not it. Job was a righteous man and God allowed for him to be tested because of his righteousness. I'm not righteous and I don't feel like I'm being tested. I feel like I'm being punished. I'm not Job, I'm an Israelite following Moses on the way out of Egypt.
Like the Israelites wandering in the desert, I'm finding my way back to my familiar crutches because it's easier to deal with the pain and emptiness that I get from turning to them than it is to deal with the pain and emptiness I get from facing my own life right now. Instead of getting right with God, I'm only doing things that are making me more wrong. And I'm so depressed that even if all the wrong in my life means that God kills me before I make it to my promised land, I don't care. Apathy has taken over where passion used to live. Even though I am happier when I'm around other people and not thinking about myself, I can't find the motivation to leave the house and actually be around them. Even though I'm happier when I'm walking my road, I'd rather just sit here on the couch and stare at the wall because there are too many places to trip if I get up and walk. I wouldn't say I've given up, but I have put myself into time-out for an indefinite amount of time. That is what I'm feeling. It's not sugar-coated; it's real. If you want to judge me for it, go right ahead. I'm too apathetic to give a damn.
***UPDATE***Apparently, God likes irony. Literally, as soon as I hit "post" on this entry, John's cell phone rang. It was the realtor who showed our house this morning calling to report that a pipe burst and our basement was soaked. My life has now officially hit train wreck status.
Posted by Kim at February 10, 2007 11:39 AM