Work is getting to me again. I enjoy the students, but I don't feel as fulfilled as I think I should feel with my work. Actually, I would say that this lost, unfulfilled, searching feeling characterizes a lot of areas of my life. I have agreed with the assessment of others that my depression is partly related to unrealistic expectations. For instance, if I expected work to be dull and unfulfilling instead of satisying, maybe I wouldn't be so depressed that it wasn't something I looked forward to and felt called to.
Two days ago I was complaining about how I can't exercise like I want to because I'm in physical therapy for my knee and I'm not allowed to run on it yet. When I said this, my loving husband said, "Maybe God wants you to use the time you would normally spend at the gym for something else. Maybe you should write a book." There was no hesistation after the words left his mouth, I instantly burst into tears. Writing a novel was my childhood dream, and I have done everything in my power to avoid it. I started to cry because as soon as I said those words, all my fears swirled around me and over me like the waterfall waters that almost killed me in Grenada. Even though writing a novel has been the one thing I've always wanted to do, I have always--even in high school when I dropped out of my creative writing class as soon as it started--been too scared, too afraid of failure and rejection, to even attempt it. I got into education because it seemed like a good thing, and even more importantly, a safe thing to do. But as it turns out, I'm hiding just like Jonah in the belly of the fish.
Like Jonah, God has been tugging on my heart to do something, and my fears about the gift being inadequate are not a good excuse to hide from His calling. I may not be a good writer, but on the other hand, maybe my tears are proof enough that my heart is crying out for me to at least try. Not that I haven't tried before, but whenever I start to write a book I feel overwhelmed at the huge task ahead of me and then this paralyzing fear takes over and I am too blocked by it to continue to write.
Part of what makes me think that God is trying to get the message through to me to try again is that John is not the first person who has presented the book writing idea to me in the past month. In fact, he's the third. I believe that God sometimes uses people to help us find our way. My lack of lack of fulfillment and continuous restlessness in my professional life is another clue. I'm starting to understand that I'm not fulfilled because I'm basically living out a safer plan under the guise of "doing something good" for other people while I really avoid the one thing that might actually make me feel fulfilled. Jonah was also trying to play it safe and avoid the riskier plan God called him to when the fish swallowed him up and gave him time to think.
Right now, I feel like I am in the belly of a fish with nothing else to do but think and meditate on God's call on my life. Like Jonah, I've spent much of my time living in fear and running away from my call. Lately I've been feeling like my problem with my knee is God pushing me more forcefully onto a different path, just like He did with Jonah. God is reminding me that time is precious (Ephesians 5:16) and I have already wasted more than enough. Now I need to make the choice to stop spending my time for my own selfish and safe pursuits and start spending it on wildly pursuing whatever adventure God has planned for me.
Posted by Kim at March 5, 2007 07:59 AM