The Grudge

Last night at dinner, my friends and I somehow got on the subject of a person from my past who wronged me. As soon as the topic came up, my mood went from happy-go-lucky to fuming mad. It has been several years and so much has changed in my life since then, but somewhere in my heart I have been harboring bitterness and it came to the surface in a very ugly way last night at simply the mention of a name. I know that the Christian thing to do is forgive and forget. I serve a God who has removed my sins from me as far as the east is from the west (Psalm 103:12). I have no right to fill my heart with unforgiveness when I have been forgiven so much.

Nevertheless, knowing this in my head and transferring it to my heart is a more difficult task than it may seem like on paper (or on the computer screen as the case may be). Even with the understanding that I am called to forgive just as I have been forgiven, I find myself feeling an awful lot like Jean Valjean from Les Miserables, craving revenge on those who have harmed me. See, the tricky thing about forgiveness is that I have to really let go and let God handle the situation, trusting in His sovereignty even if it means that He opts to forgive the person who hurt me and that person never has to suffer for the wrong done to me. Part of the beauty of God's grace is that He extends it to everyone equally, but part of the challenge as a human is getting over the desire for human justice to be served.

A key for me in the letting go process has been reminding myself (usually over and over again) that forgiveness does not mean that I am saying what happened was OK. Wrong was still done and I can still call it wrong, but forgivness means that I no longer hold the wrong against the person in my heart, where, quite frankly, it is hurting me much more than it's hurting the person against whom I hold the grudge. My unforgiveness and the resulting bitterness has driven a tangible wedge between God and me which has severely stunted my spiritual growth over the last few years. I have been praying to get back to the place where I was before I let this person too far into my life, and I couldn't understand why God wasn't magically changing my heart until last night when all the hurt and anger came pouring out of me over tortilla chips and a bowl of queso.

I cannot be right with God until I am right with my brothers and sisters (Matthew 5:22-23). When I am allowing anger and bitterness to fester in my heart, this rot subjects me to the same judgment that I am casting on others. The important point here is that I am the one allowing anger and bitterness into my life. God is greater than these things, and I can choose to cast the anger and bitterness out in the name of Jesus instead of silently letting them grow. I have been struggling for years to pray for my enemies as Jesus instructed (Matthew 5:44). I struggle because I find the task of praying blessings into the lives of people at whom I am still angry an impossible mandate. Forgiveness must come first.

On the car ride home from dinner last night, I poured my heart out to God in prayer. I prayed for Him to help me to truly forgive and let go of the hurt and pain that I have been holding onto for far too long. I confessed to Him that I am not strong enough in my humanity to forgive without His help. I praised Him for His grace in granting me free will, as well as for His grace in allowing all of us to know the beauty of the human experience, including our capacity for pain and for healing. In situations where we have been deeply wounded, our prayers to help us forgive may need to be a daily occurance, or even a moment-by-moment occurance. I am committed to giving my wounds up to God as often as necessary until I stop taking them back again and truly let them go. I am committed to this task because I trust God's will, and I am indebted to Him more deeply than I could ever pay for all that He has forgiven me.