Vision of the Future

A friend sent me this picture in an email because she thought it was funny. I didn't laugh because I have a haunting feeling that this will in fact be me someday:

In Good Company

One of my favorite promises in the Bible is God's promise to be with us. It's simple, but also grand. The God of the universe promises not just to take care of the big picture, but also to be with us in every moment. We are never alone because He is always there. What comfort for those of us who feel let down by other people! This promise is repeated several times in God's word because it is so important in God's plan for each of us. In Genesis 26:24, God says to Isaac, "I am the God of your father, Abraham. Do not be afraid, for I am with you and will bless you." Isaiah 41:10 reads, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." He repeats "Do not be afraid, for I am with you" in Isaiah 43:5. And Jesus tells His followers in Matthew 28:20, "I am with you always, even to the end of the age." We don't have to go through anything by ourselves. When we asked Jesus into our hearts, He came in and set up residence. I may feel let down and abandoned by other people, but Jesus will not let me down or abandon me. God tells us not to be afraid. His presence is our comfort and our assurance. Not only assurance for eternity, but also assurance for the here and now that come what may, He is by our sides. "God equips those He calls" is a popular catch phrase in the modern Christain community. Part of the equipping process is as simple as Him showing up and walking through our battles with us. It's infinitely helpful for me to know that He's with me. When I feel like I can't do something on my own, I am encouraged to know that I don't have to. No human being can make this promise of constant and unfailing companionship. But God can do what humans can't, and this promise is one He continuously meets for those who know Him.

Caught

It's always nice when your supervisor comes into your office and you're looking at other job opportunities. It's even nicer when he comes in and jumps on your computer and pulls up the screen himself. No time for fast window changes here. Sweet.

Continuing Battle

Try as I may to have a positive attitude, I don't like my job. This is not easy for me given that I just spent my life savings and a whole bunch of time and energy earning a degree that would specifically qualify me for this job. I talk to God about my frustration and disappointment with work a lot, and last night after reading a passage in the beginning of the Old Testament, it hit me again. I don't have to like my job. The idea that we have to like our jobs, in fact, seems to me to be a very recent cultural phenomenom to me. In Biblical times, liking what you do to earn your wages wasn't even addressed. People were either rich or they were laborers, and labor meant hands-on work like carpentry, farming, harvesting, and household servitude. No laborer carried around some sense of entitlement that he should enjoy his labor. Labor was a given, like brushing your teeth in modern society. You don't have to enjoy it, but you do it anyway.

In modern times, people see work as more than just a means of financial provision. Work has become a place where we seek fulfillment. This could be because of higher education. As more and more people earn degrees, they are told at their colleges to follow their hearts/dreams/bliss and study what they are passionate about, regardless of what they think will earn them a substantial income. Furthermore, as more women have leapt into the workforce in the last 40 years, the working population is bigger and people are picking and choosing their jobs more and more based on personal interest. With the genesis of career counseling last century, it's only natural that a sense of entitlement would develop where people think they need a job that fulfills them because they spend so much time there and no one "deserves" to be unhappy or dissatisfied.

But while these ideals are lovely in theory, in actuality, many of us are wrestling with job dissatisfication just because these ideals exist and we think we deserve satisfaction. But job satisifaction is not a Biblical promise. Not that long ago, I wrote about purpose on this site. Let me tell you, recognizing that God cares less about what I do and more about how I do it is only part of the battle for me because I am still fighting against society's idea that I should like what I do, that I deserve to like what I do. God told me again last night, it's not about me. I don't have a "right" to job fulfillment, no matter what my own guidance counselor may have said. It's not about my fulfillment. It's about me going to wherever I work and working my heart out as if God is my boss. In Colossians 3:23, Paul writes, "Work hard and cheerfully at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people." I need to emphasize this to myself--"at whatever you do." Work is another way for me to show my love for and faith in God; it is not a way for me to seek personal fulfillment. If I find personal fulfillment, that's a bonus, but that's not what work is about no matter what our self-seeking culture would try to tell me.

So now that I've had another revelation, is this battle over in my life? Probably not. I still expect to face the daily challenge of overcoming the brainwashing that's been a lifetime in the making. I still think I should not be miserable at work, but Paul tells me that I have a choice about my attitude no matter what my job happens to be. If I am working cheerfully, then my job does not matter because my heart is where it needs to be. My heart is still somewhat wrapped up in the work I do, but it should be entirely wrapped up in whom the work is for rather than what the work is. According to Paul, the work is for God, and as a love and faith offering to Him, I need to do it with a smile even when I'd rather lock myself in my office and weep.

Juiced Up

So I had major asthma issues last week. My doctor put me on an oral steroid to try to ease my symtoms. I will be the bearded lady at the next carnival you go to. I'm quite excited about this career move, actually.

Panic Button

The panic button for my car is right in the center of the keyless entry control. Because of this, if I happen to grab the remote wrong, I inevitably hit the button and my car alarm starts going off. I seem to do this all the time in the morning, certainly earning the wrath of all my neighbors. Because I have to leave at 6:45 every day, I'm not always awake enough to think about how gingerly I need to touch my keyless entry and I'm not always awake enough to think about all the times I accidentally hit it. My bad.

Beating

I don't understand the kind of cruelty it takes to randomly and sensely beat someone to death like three teenagers in Fort Lauderdale did recently. Authorities say these boys attacked at least three homeless men with paintball guns and baseball bats. These attacks seem to be done out of sport, not because of a vendetta against the particular victims. Two of the three attackers were 18 and one was 17. Certianly at the age both legally and developmentally speaking where they can differentiate between right and wrong. Right and wrong may have been taught to them, but the message obviously didn't get through. Beating someone to death is much more personal and involved than shooting someone with a gun. A gun can cause instant death if the shooter knows what he's doing. It takes a deeper and different kind of malice to fatally beat someone because the victim probably isn't dead with the first whack from your bat. You have to keep plowing into them, watching them writhe in pain and listening to their cries. With three boys doing this, you would think at least one of them would feel a twinge of guilt strong enough to say, "This isn't right." Every living thing deserves to have some dignity. Being unwillingly shot with a paintball gun and beaten with a bat by strangers is not a dignified way to go. But I guess if these boys can't even determine what's right and wrong, they certainly can't understand the concept of dignity.

Broken Glasses

It's only been 6 months since our wedding, and I have already managed to break two of the glasses we received as gifts. I am too exhausted and there is not enough space in the kitchen. And I guess, too, I'm naturally clumsy and these other issues just amplify the problem. Each time a glass shatters, I list my inadequacies as a wife in my head. I'm not a good enough housekeeper, and I know it. That's why there are glasses on the counters to be broken. I work more than my husband and I am out of the house more than him, yet I'm still left to do the bulk of the clean-up duties because I have a lower tolerance for squalor than he does. I'm depressed, and that has nothing to do with my marriage because I have been depressed since puberty. My in-love-ness made me forget about it for awhile, but as winter has set in, the feelings have all come back to me. I don't like my job. I don't like any jobs, and I think that I am probably not meant to work since I can't imagine being fulfilled at anything that I would classify as drudgery. To me, all desk jobs are drudgery. At least all the ones I've held. And I'm not qualified to do anything away from a desk. I'm also sick again, which I hate, but can't seem to prevent these days no matter how much fruit I eat and how many vitamins I take. Last night when the glass broke, I stared at the chunks and began choking on my own breath. Wheezing and coughing on the wheezes. Trying to breathe, but needing my abuterol to remind my lungs how to work. My asthma tends to leave me alone in sunnier weather when my health is also better, but everything in my life shuts down in the winter. I'm not happy, and I can't fix that anymore than I can find all the shards of glass and Krazy glue them back together like new. I shouldn't expect to be happy; happiness was never part of the plan once we got kicked out of the Garden. The Bible is clear that many trials will befall us. Joy and peace can exist in the midst of trial, but happiness is different from joy and peace. When I focus on the broken glass, I find all three of these states elusive. Someone said that when we love more in one direction (i.e., God's direction), we increase our ability to love in all directions (because God fills us with His love for others when we focus on Him). I suppose my New Year goal should be to focus on loving in that one direction since anything else I cling to will slip through my fingers like a glass before it breaks. Happiness may never factor into the equation, but joy and peace run deeper than happiness. Happiness can shatter like a glass hitting the ceramic tile, but joy and peace can overcome broken glasses.

Palm Trees and Sunshine

John and I arrived in Maryland at 11pm last night after an extended weekend in Florida. Even before my alarm went off this morning, I did not want to come home. Actually, I was seriously contemplating telling John to drop me off on A1A on his way to the airport. I don't know what I would have done, which is why I decided not to make my request, but it sure was nice to imagine what it would be like if I could stay in the sun and not have to worry about reality for awhile. While we were done there, John and I toured around, got real estate information, and even visited several homes. We aren't in a place to buy right now, but if it all works out, my reality may change.

After

I spin into chaos
floating and lost
without control
life falls around me
in confetti-like chunks
unattainable
indiscernable
colors--bright and dull--
blurred memories
blunted moments
felted fingertips
once uniquely ridged
in distant time
on former body
of former life-breath
left silently behind
death remembers
what existence forgot
when eyelids blinking
became a burden
and heart beating
became a strain
and when both were ended
without apology
or sad explanation

Fat Is, Apparently, Where It's At

According to a recent survey, Americans are more accepting of overweight than they were 20 years ago. The trend of steadily increasing fat acceptance seems to correlate quite nicely with the trend of steadily increasing fat bodies in the U.S. I guess some people feel too hypocritical to say they prefer thin people when they themselves are large and in charge. I find this funny because new diet trends are still cropping up at a pretty regular rate. Are we claiming to accept the fat while still secretly trying to starve it way? Or maybe the diets are all for show. Based on this survey, it seems like we're becoming as lazy with our health as we are with everything else. It's much easier to eat a McDonald's burger and fries while you're driving home from work than it is to eat a salad. And it's much easier to make a frozen pizza for dinner when you get home from work late than it is to stand in front of the stove and cook vegetables and chicken breasts. While it may not take a lot of time to make something healthy, it still takes less time to make something unhealthy. And we Americans are all about saving every second because it means we will have more time to sit on the couch and watch sitcom re-runs. And, of course, as far as fitness goes, it will always be easier to sit on the couch than to drive to the gym or even to walk around the block. Laziness is what Americans do best, and that, I believe, is a large part of our fat problem in the first place. I'll even go so far as to say that laziness is more of the problem than the availability of unhealthy food at which everyone is quick to point a finger. Laziness also explains why the more money we spend on diets, the fatter we get. We want a quick fix and there isn't one, and then we get frustrated that even though we're eating nothing but "rabbit food," our hips are still widening. So maybe our fat pride is an indication that we just don't see the point in trying anymore. After all, we're all gonna die someday. We might as well be happy before we go from all the buttercream frosting and pepperoni that we ingest instead of cranky and hungry from all the times we turned those guilty pleasures down.

Our Little WMD

I've mentioned how destructive my dog is on this site before, and now I have visual proof. Last night, John and I bought a three-pack of bones for our little angel, and we gave her one to gnaw on while we watched a movie. We gave Felicia the bone because she had been having problems digesting the plastic ring that she had most recently taken to destroying.

Here is the small arc that is left of what used to be a full circle:

And here she is with her bone in all her chewing glory:

Here is what was left of the bone a mere ONE hour after we gave it to her (compared to a full bone from the three-pack that we purchased):

Here is what was left of her bone after one hour and 30 minutes:

And here she is again with the "I haven't even begun to chew" look on her face:

Keep in mind that this bone was designed for a dog 4-5 times Felicia's size. No challenge is too high or too difficult for our baby! Oh, and if you're wondering what all those brown specks are on our carpet, those are pieces of sticks that she brings in through her doggie door and shreds with her teeth. We do vacuum, but the clean floor doesn't last long with Felicia on the prowl.

Trust and Trial

In one of his boastful speeches to his friends, Job says, "I helped the poor in their need and the orphans who had no one to help them. I helped those who had lost hope, and they blessed me. And I caused the widows' hearts to sing for joy. All I did was just and honest. Righteousness covered me like a robe, and I wore justice like a turban. I served as eyes for the blind and feet for the lame. I was a father to the poor and made sure that even strangers received a fair trial. I broke the jaws of godless oppressors and made them release their victims." --Job 29:12-17

No one could deny that Job certainly did great things and no one could question why God called Job righteous. But Job's thinking was erroneous. He continues this monologue with a clear indication that he thinks that life is like a math equation where a plus b will always equal c:

"I thought, 'Surely I will die surrounded by my family after a long, good life. For I am like a tree whose roots reach the water, whose branches are refreshed with the dew. New honors are constantly bestowed on me, and my strength is continually renewed.'" --Job 29:18-20

Job could not fathom how he had come across so much trial when he was doing everything right. He thought God was obligated to bless him because of his good works. And undoubtedly that makes sense in an a + b = c world. But we don't live in such a place.

The logical person then asks, "What is the point of living my life well and doing good if I'm still going to have problems?"

As Christians, we should act in obedience as an expression of our love for God, NOT because we want to achieve a certain result. If we act in obedience because we want God to do something for us, we will quickly learn that God does not have to do what we want because He is, quite simply, God. We should act in obedience while we pass through the worst of trials because we trust that God knows what is best. We obey because of our love for and faith in God, not because we think that a + b = c whenever human actions are involved. This life is only temporary, and the only time a + b = c is when a and b are our faith in Jesus and His sacrifice for our sins and c is salvation; c cannot be obtained by any other a and b combination. If we think otherwise, we may find our good deeds to be in vain. On the other hand, we can trust that our good deeds will never be in vain when our hearts are in the right place and our deeds represent our love for a God who we may not always understand.

Purpose

I have a plaque in my office that reads, "May you live all the days of your life." To me, this is a reminder to enjoy life and be present in each moment so that I can make the most of my limited time here. The problem is, I find that difficult to do when I spend so many hours of the day at work and I cannot seem to find a job that is a good fit. I am reading Kelly Minter's book, Water into Wine. She reflects about her own career and mentions that her sister loves the 9 to 5 schedule whereas she herself perfers more flexibility in her schedule. For Minter, 9 to 5 seems like a prison. I can kind of relate to where she's coming from. One aspect of my current job that I like is that I can usually leave work when it is still light outside, even in the winter. At my last job, this was not the case. But even so, I feel like it is complete drudgery for me to have wake up at the same time every day, go through basically the same routine, and go to sleep only to have it all start over again. It's for this reason that I often fantasize about becoming a famous writer and making my own hours (never mind the lack of realism in such a fantasy for someone who lacks the talent). What interests me about Minter's story, however, is that she says even with her artsy job and odd hours, she still often feels like her life is "stale." This is a wake-up call for me and my silly fantasies that somehow life would be great if I was my own boss and could make my own hours. Life can still seem stale and old even if I am doing exactly what I want to do. So this leaves me with the same conclusion that I come to over and over again--anything that I do will leave me empty, only God has the power to fulfill me. As far as what this means for me in terms of a career, I am not sure. I may spend my whole life bouncing around or I may figure out where I belong. I have prayed about where I belong since high school when I was first trying to figure out what to tell colleges my future plans entailed. And I still don't have a clear answer. But maybe in my life God isn't as concerned with what I do for a living as He is with how I do it. Or maybe He is concerned with the what, too, but it is not time for the what to be made clear. I am impatient, but His patience is infinite and His timing is certainly different that what mine would be. For my situation right now, it is probably best if I switch my daily focus to the how and continue to seek His will for the what. Part of living every day of my life means letting God move me when I am uncertain of where to move myself.

Rumor Has It

Last night, some friends and I went to see Rumor Has It. Unlike Allison who had low expectations for the film, I expected that I would like it. I generally enjoy romantic comedies, and I like a lot of the actors that are in this one. I really wanted to like the movie. But I didn't. In fact, I thought it was pretty terrible. The actors seemed jumbled together, thrown into the same scene like a tossed salad with no real continuity between the parts. It seemed as if they rehersed once and then filmed straight through with no breaks. The actors did not bond off the set and so there was no chemistry between any of them on the set. They seemed like strangers who had to pretend to have a relational history with each other but couldn't pull off the facade. It wasn't that any of the acting was bad, it was more like the actors themselves just didn't fit together. They certainly did not seem like a family. Beyond the lack of believability about the connection between the characters, the story was so predictible it almost defeated the purpose of watching the movie at all. Someday, I want to see a movie, even a romantic comedy, that doesn't tie neatly together and end on a high note. Not that "high note" really describes how this particular story ended. This movie was flat. So flat that I wouldn't advise even waiting for it to come out on DVD. Don't bother seeing it at all. Anything worth seeing in the movie was shown in the previews, so if you've seen the previews, you've seen all you need to see.

Let go

“If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it.” --Toni Morrison

I have a hard time with the whole "Let go and Let God" concept. It's not that I don't believe that it's the best thing to do, but I have a hard time putting it into practice. I don't think I am necessarily a control freak, but there is a part of me that likes to pretend I have a grip on things and that there is stability in my life. But really, I don't and there isn't. None of do and there isn't any in anyone's life. Any feeling of stability is an illusion. We have no control over anything and even our strongest bearings can be yanked out from under us without our consent or a warning.

We dream because we need to hold onto the hope that life can be unstressful, happy, beautiful, and perfect. We dream because we know that we have on this earth is never going to fully be any of these things. We dream because we want something to look forward to. And God says we can have something to look forward to, but we have to be looking for the right thing. Tomorrow on planet earth has never been a gaurantee. We fool ourselves if we think otherwise.

In the meantime, we think that we can uncover the "secret to success" or happiness or whatever else we think we want. We think that we can find this secret if we only try hard enough and search deep enough. But we search in the wrong places and we try when we should be letting go. Jesus said that apart from Him we can do nothing. Sure, we can function, but we can't do anything spectacular. Spectacular comes when we let go and let God do His work, not when we get in His way by trying to do it ourselves. Medicority is when we move on our own; spectacular is when we let God move us.

But accepting all this intellectually, I still cling to my will as if it is worth something. I cling to my will as if it can change my life. But if I am to spend any time riding the air, doing the spectacular, I must let go of my will instead of clinging to it. Power is not in a tight grip on the status quo or even a tight grip on my dreams of what life on the other side of the status quo might be; power is in surrender.

Joe Pa's still got it

I have mentioned on here before that I was born and raised to be a Nittany Lion fan even though I did not go to school there myself. The past few football seasons have been rough to say the least for Penn State, but this year was more exciting. They finished their regular season 11-1 and ended with the number 3 rank in the nation. This season, Joe Pa's best in 11 years, caused fans like me to excitedly repeat "we're back!" over and over again as Penn State racked up the victories. Their amazing record this year earned them a place in last night's Orange Bowl match against the ACC champion, Florida State.

I have to say, this year I missed the days when all the bowl games were over by New Year's day. The fact that last night's game was on a work night meant that I knew I would not be able to stay up for the whole game and expect to function with a 5:30 am alarm. So I turned the TV off at the end of the 3rd quarter when Penn State was only leading by one and the score was identical to what it was at halftime. Little did I know what I was missing by turning the TV off at that point. Apparently, despite and even because of the low scoring, the became one of the most exciting games in recent history. The coaches overall records were close, and even if Penn State had a better season this year, both teams came out ready to win. The game went into triple overtime and didn't end until 1am when Penn State scored a field goal that put the score at 26-23.

Naturally, I am happy that Penn State pulled through, but I'm sad that I went to bed and missed all the fun. Before the game, one reporter asked Joe Paterno and Bobby Bowden if they planned to retire after this season. Joe Pa said no way. He said that as long as he can coach, he will. Last year, people, including the University president, asked him to retire and he told them that he would retire when he was good and ready and that time has not yet arrived. Only a legend like Joe Paterno could tell his boss to take a hike and not get fired. And I'm sure last night's exciting victory pushed his retirement time back even further. He's already 79 years old and has coached at Penn State for 40 years, just over half of his life. His competitive spirit is still kicking, as he proved last night when he yelled at the officials and led his team through a game where at no point either time was ahead by more than a touchdown.

Aging

As John and I approach our 6th month anniversary as a married couple, I've realized that marriage has done interesting things in my life. I'm becoming domesticated. I had the epiphany that this was happening tonight when I was glancing through an issue of Jane magazine, a subscription that I still hold but plan to let run out as most of the magazine is no longer relevant to me. The articles in the magazine are geared towards single 20-something women. As I skimmed over the magazine tonight, I felt old or at least like I've moved into a different phase of life. I don't care about the 15 guys I will date and dump before I turn 30. I don't care about life coaches or hangover help. After almost 6 months of marriage, I feel something very odd for me--I feel settled and comfortable. I am still not sure if I am in a career that I will stick to, but my career is not my focus anymore. I'm not a mother, and I may never be one, but I have a comfortable home and family to come home to since my husband and I count our two pets as part of our family. Maybe I'm just getting old or maybe marriage sped up the aging process for me, but even though I'm 27, I feel like a different person than I was 6 months ago. And, it's weird, but I actually like the change. Being home from work with John for the past week has increased my feelings of contentment. Of course, with my personality, part of my mind wonders when something bad will happen to disrupt my security, but I'm trying to push those thoughts away and focus on how happy I feel in the now. Maybe once my Jane subscription expires, I will be ready for Martha Stewart Living or some other domestic magazine. And to think that I used to scoff at such things. I am getting old. And I perhaps I am also getting boring. I am sure the two do not have to go together, but maybe I've been boring all along I just hid it under angst and tequilla.