This morning, I listened to The Verve's Bitter Sweet Symphony on the radio, and I found myself wondering how much the singer believes the words he's crooning, "'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony this life/Trying to make ends meet, you're a slave to the money then you die." Is this hopeless and helpless outlook all that he sees ahead? I can't imagine waking up in the morning and looking at the steep climb in front of me for the day with nothing more to hold onto than the grim picture he paints in these verses.
On the other hand, I think about the book I just finished last night and how everything wrapped up so neatly at the end. I left that book almost entirely unmoved because of the ridiculousness of such neat little endings to all the subplots that in reality would not have cute bows tied around them. Books and movies that end with everything working out so sweetly irritate me, because I know in my life there is no happy ending in sight until the end of my physical walk. If a slice of my life was woven into a story, it would end as messy as it began with broken pieces that can be swept away but not restored. Hurts that never fully heal and wounds that will be forgiven but not forgotten.
Because I have hope and small moments of joy that I cling to like a rock climber to a foothold, my life is not a bittersweet symphony. But neither is my life a series of happy endings like a cheap novel or a feel-good romantic comedy. My life is a series of loss and gain and then some more loss. It's a series of changes that often hurt, but that I hope are taking me further towards my eternal destination. If the climb depended only on me, I would lose hope. And, unlike The Verve, I probably wouldn't sing about the bittersweet symphony, because I'd probably be too depressed to force my vocal chords to move together in harmony.
Instead of mourning in the midst of the sorrow of life, I cling to the words of the Psalmist, "Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge" (Psalm 62:5-7). No matter how impossible the climb ahead looks, I can rest in the knowledge that God is shouting "Belay on!" to remind me that He is my anchor and He won't let me plummet to the hard ground below. The journey is not easy, but with security of knowing that God is protecting me during the climb, I can push on ahead with hope and peace. His plan is not for a challenge-free climb; it is for refinement through challenge so that we are fully ready for what lies on the other side.
I've been overly busy and therefore extremely exhausted lately. The past two weeks at work have been crazy busy and stressful. An end is in sight, though! Once the seniors graduate next Thursday, my life should quiet down a great deal...at least at work. Because I've been so busy and tired, I haven't felt inspired to write much lately, and for that, my two loyal readers, I apologize. Today I decided to do something a bit different. I am going to let you in on my dark side by listing some of vices for all the world to see. Eventually all of our motives and deeds will be brought into the light anyway (1 Corinthians 4:5), so now is as good a time as any to come out of the closet with some of my personal darkness.
1. I am addicted to caffiene. I drink four cups of coffee and 1-2 caffienate beverages a day. And that's after a serious doctor-suggested cut back.
2. I have no patience for some of the people I am supposed to counsel. If they get an attitude with me, I am quick to get one back and resent them for it.
3. I get angry very easily and stay angry very long.
4. I never go a full day without eating chocolate.
5. I tell white lies to protect people's feelings, and I don't think that's wrong.
6. I have shared people's secrets when I thought they made for a good story.
7. I frequently say things to people without first thinking about the consequences of my words.
8. I would rather read a gossip column than a news article.
9. I sometimes say I understand when really I do not.
10. I keep score.
Other not-so-nice facts about me:
1. Really beautfiul women make me feel insecure. I think bad things about them in order to make myself feel better.
2. In college, I used to skip class to go to the gym. I had a deeper desire to look good than I had to become a more interesting person. At the same time I would claim to be enlightened.
3. Even now as an adult, I regularly fantasize about running away. Usually by myself. I've even looked at real estate online.
4. Sometimes the desire to make other people like me dictates my actions. This has been the case for my whole life and has led to some very poor decisions.
5. Ever since puberty, I've been oddly fascinated with death. While some girls doodle flowers and hearts, I've doodled bloody knives on the sides of notebook paper. I have never killed--or even physically hurt--anyone, but I have a dark imagination.
Praise God that in spite of how much darkness I have, He has sent the Light to set me free! Praise God that no matter how hopeless I am, He has given me a new hope (1 Peter 1:3)! Praise God that no matter how set in my dark ways I am, He holds new birth and new life!
We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God--through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. --Romans 7:14-25
I write a lot about "shoulds" on this site. I examine my life and see areas where I need to grow and become more like Christ. This is important, but I don't want my "shoulds" to take precedent over God's grace in my walk. I don't want to forget and I don't want others to miss God's grace that has covered my "shoulds". His grace is the miracle; my "shoulds" are merely my shoddy attempts to live a more Christ-like life. They will never add up to what His grace has done. Even more, the truth in Paul's words is that as much will and effort as I can muster to live out the "shoulds" in my life, I will inevitably fail because of my humanity. God knew this ahead of time about each of us, which is why He sent us a Savior. It is good to try to live your life by Biblical principles ("shoulds"); it is wrong to measure your own worth or the worth of others by the extent to which these "shoulds" are carried out. Do not be mistaken--"shoulds" do not lead to salvation. The Bible is clear the only way for us to be rescued from our "bodies of death," as Paul writes, is through the grace of our Lord. I attend to the "shoulds" because they're important for my witness to others and for my own growth as a Christian woman. The "shoulds" are not "musts" for my salvation. I praise God that He finished the work of my salvation when He sent Jesus to die for me. The only essential "must" has been done for me so that I can daily struggle with the "shoulds" without having to worry about the "must". I thank Him for His grace, and I plead with Him for help as I try to live my life in deeper gratitude and constant recognition for that gift as I see more and more each day how terribly short my own efforts, like Paul's, fall.
Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life--in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. --Philippians 2:14-16
I've held three different jobs since I finished college, and I've noticed something about office culture. Complainers seems seem to be drawn to each other like flies to flypaper. There is something about that negative spirit that draws other negative people into a circle with each other. These people gather by the water cooler in the break room and complain about their work, their bosses, their clients, their paychecks, etc., etc. It's so easy to get caught up in that pattern of complaint that the people in the complaining clique forget how to speak to each other about positive things. The negative energy that surrounds their complaints draws unsuspecting people into circle of griping and repels the positive but alert among the staff. I've watched it happen from the inside; I am a complainer.
Call it venting or shooting the breeze, but complaining is an addiction. Those who engage in it, develop a need to continue complaining just to get through the workday. We wouldn't know what to do if we didn't have each other to gripe to. We may shake with excess negative energy that we have no way to release into the atmosphere. We imagine that without the complaining outlet, we would have so much retained negativity that we will explode. Fortunately, it never comes to that because complainers are found in abundance in every office where I've worked, so there is always an outlet for griping.
Interestingly, I, like many of my fellow gripers, claim to be Christian even in the midst of all this complaining. An outsider would not know who I am. I get so caught up in the whining that I forget I'm called to a higher standard. I'm called to do everything without complaining, even the miserable task of working. I'm called to be different from the crooked and depraved generation in which I live. But as a complainer, I am the same. I'm called to shine like a star holding out the word of life rather than the word of complaint. It's hard to shine when a dark negative cloud follows you around for 8 hours a day. For the sake of my witness to the world, I must slough off the negativity from my mouth and be filled with God's word and God's spirit rather than complaints. Life is too short and my time here is too valuable for me to waste it with negativity, no matter how powerfully I'm drawn to the negative words I hear around me.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. --1 Peter 5:8
There is a student at my school who I sometimes I really think is a messanger of Satan. She has this thing where she sits in the lobby of the counseling office waiting for her counselor. When I walk out, she stops whatever she was doing or saying, follows me with her eyes and then starts laughing like a hyena when I walk away. It's happened more than once. I am almost twice her age, but whenever she does this, I want to punch her. I don't. I ignore her because I know she wants me to react, but I get back to my office fuming that someone could be so rude and wondering what is so laughable about me? Even though I shouldn't let her, she gets me angry and frustrated. She is like all of my childhood social trauma reincarnate and back to make me feel incompetent and worthless all over again. And because she reminds me of my childhood, I want to react like a child. I want to call her stupid, and certainly much worse, but the part of me that remembers my age and position doesn't want her to know she has any effect on me at all.
Even if this student doesn't know it, Satan is using her to make me want to walk away from any good that I may be doing at my job. He's using her to throw me off track, and on days like today when I'm exhausted before this girl even begins her heckling. Satan knows when I am at my weakest and he places the pieces on the board that are most apt to make me believe his lies at the time that I'm most apt to be receptive. Sometimes he gets the best of me, but as a challenging as it is and as hurtful as his ploys are, I must stand firm in the power of the Lord. I must be alert and ready for the enemy's attacks, knowing that the attacks will most certainly come. As I'm standing firm, I must remember who I am and who I am not. Satan is filled with lies (John 8:44) and distortions. If I believe his perception of who I am, I am believing a lie and then I am no better off than those who laugh at others' expense. The closer I am to seeing the truth, the more powerful the attacks against me will get because Satan is afraid he's losing his grip. Someone once said to me during a particularly difficult season of my life, "Don't let him win." I vowed to her that I would not, and I stand by that vow today even though I had to use everything I have this afternoon to overcome the temptation to give in to my anger and hurt feelings. I am certainly not going to let a heckler be the one who takes me down. Let her laugh. I know who I am in Christ and that is all that matters.
Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" --Mark 9:24
Not too long ago, I finished a study about believing God. You would think that being so fresh off of that study, my faith would be at an all-time high. Yet this weekend God confronted me once again with my own unbelief. I've been praying about a particular issue, and I have felt God's assurance stronger than usual that He heard my prayers and was going to answer them. It is not on every issue that I clearly feel God's assurance about something, but with this prayer I have. Nevertheless, I wanted a sign. So I meddled, got a sign, and then felt ashamed that I ever doubted.
Even after my study, my own faith still bears no resemblance to Abraham's. In Romans 4:19, we're told that "Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead--since he was about a hundred years old--and that Sarah's womb was also dead." Abraham could have looked at the facts--age and infertility--and doubted God's assurance to him. But Abraham chose faith over fact. He knew that God was capable of what looked impossible to man. Abraham never wavered in believing that God listened to him and that God would answer him. I cannot boast the same faith.
I would save myself so much worry and heartache if I would just trust God like Abraham did. It sounds so simple, but I am more like the man in Mark, desperately needing God to fill in the gaps in my faith and help my unbelief, than I am like Abraham, trusting God even in the face of seemingly insurmountable facts. Fortunately, I serve a God who is willing to help my unbelief and forgive me for it. And, even better, He doesn't change His mind even after I doubt. His plan is more powerful than my unbelief, and I thank and praise Him for that.
If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. --Philippians 2:1-4
I wrote about the verses immediately following these in Philippians 2 last week in relation to attitude. Today, I want to focus on motivation. Attitude is how we do something, motivation is why we do something. God pays attention to both and frequently refers to motivation--what is in the heart--throughout His word. Both of these areas are difficult to bring into submission to Christ. These verses are pretty clear about what our motivation for all our thoughts, words, and deeds should be. We should be driven by the same spirit and purpose that Christ had--to bring glory to God and to further His kingdom. This means, throwing our selfishness aside and putting others ahead of ourselves. Talk about a contradiction to the American way! In our culture, we're taught to make sure our needs our met, to be true to ourselves rather than to be true to our God. This motivation is so ingrained in many of us that many times we don't even realize that we are being selfish. We're taught that if we don't look out for number one, no one will. The problem is that we consider number one to be ourselves when the Bible clearly states that we should put others ahead of ourselves and that the only number one we should have in our lives is God himself (see commandment number one). Rather than subscribing to the American philosophy of self, we are called to subscribe to the Christian philosophy of God's purpose and plan to love others more than ourselves and to serve others before ourselves. Think today about how different your life would look if you put these verses into practice. Think about how as your motivation changes, your attitude, thoughts, words, and deeds would also begin to align more closely with God's word. Think about the power the church would have to change this world if we were all of the same purpose--God's purpose--instead of for selfish ambition.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. --Philippians 2:5-7
Apparently, I have an attitude problem. At least according to some of the people I work with. I won't deny it: they're right. If someone gets an attitude to me or talks to me in a way that is disrespectful, I do get an attitude back. I don't see why I should have to put up with poor treatment. I have the American attitude that I deserve respect. It's all blind pride and the sense of entitlement that comes from having too much pride. No matter how I think things should be in my life and interpersonal relations, the fact is that I won't always get the respect my pride thinks I deserve. But to please God with my attitude, I need to learn to be nice even when I'm not being treated nicely. Jesus treated everyone with dignity and respect, even those who mocked Him. Even though he was God, Jesus was humble. I who am so much less than God struggle with humility every day. It's so difficult for me to overcome my sense of entitlement that comes from my unmerited pride that I don't know how to respond kindly to cruelty. I don't know how to love the way Jesus loved when my heart is so prideful and self-righteous. I may be a trained counselor, but when the offense is coming my way, I lose all sense of empathy and react on my own hurt feelings. I get defensive and lose the opportunity to be a good witness. The only why I can provide a consistently positive witness is if I let Jesus wash away my pride, no matter how ingrained it may feel. Like Jesus, I need to learn to be humble enough to love the unloveable and to overcome the urge to retaliate no matter how many slings and daggers they throw my way. I have a feeling this cleansing is going to sting, maybe so much that I beg God to stop. I'll have to stay focused hard on the goal--to leave me with a less human and more Christ-like attitude so that I can do better work for the Kingdom.
Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. --Titus 2:4-5
I've been having a hard time keeping up with my schedule. I did not post much last week because my days were so full and when I did have some down time, I pretty much crashed on my bed and slept to recover from running around so much. The sad part is that I have such a hard time keeping up with my commitments, that I don't have the energy to be "busy at home". I've mentioned before that I'm not exactly the best housekeeper, and I'm even less likely to keep up with cleaning when I'm tired and busy outside of the home. When I read how the Bible says I should be as a wife and a mother, I start to wonder how I will ever make room for kids in my life if my schedule stays the way it is. John and I cannot afford to live off of one income, and I keep hearing my co-workers talk about how expensive kids are. I know I want kids, but I don't know how I'm going to have the time and engery to actively love them the way they need to be loved while also contributing to the financial well-being of my home. I want to be the kind of wife and mother that God wants me to be so that I can model His love for my family, but I'm so busy that I don't presently see how that will work. I guess God's timing and plan is better than mine. I wanted children before now, but God knows that I'm not ready. When He's ready for me to be a mother, I will have to seek His will for how to become less busy outside the home so I can be busier in the home.