I am a dark person. I think I was born this way, but the dark side of my remained latent until puberty. I have dark dreams at night and dark thoughts continually creep across my mind during the day. In the past when I was feeling more creatively inspired, I wrote a lot of dark poetry. I've been on and off anti-depressants. For awhile, I didn't want anything to do with them because I felt like they stifled my creativity. I'm not on them now because I finally see the advantage to my dark side. I feel like my darkness makes me better at counseling the confused, hurt, angry, and dark adolescents that I see every day at work because I have the same turmoil inside myself. When they share their dark sides with me, I don't have to fake empathy. I really do understand. Over the course of my life, I've had many theories about why I must fight this internal battle with darkness. As I start to feel more comfortable in my job (miracle!), I'm starting to think that God knew that my battle with the darkness would help me reach the people I work with in a more real way than I could reach them without the ongoing internal experience I have in myself.
May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. --Hebrews 13:20-21
Sometimes God's equiping isn't what we'd expect to see, but He works ALL things for good (Romans 8:28), even those which Satan intended to put in our lives to harm us (Genesis 50:20). Sometimes when we beg Him to change aspects of ourselves or aspects of our lives, He says no. We have to trust that God knows what He is doing and when He says no it's because He has a bigger plan that we may not be able to see. Satan would have us get so caught up in the no that we become closed off to God's calling on us. Don't let Satan win.
John and I are trying to sell our townhouse to upgrade into a bigger home. The problem is that so are 6 other people in our neighborhood. We found a house we love and we've put a contingent contract on it. We can afford the house we love because the market is slow. We cannot find a buyer for our house for that same exact reason. We're reasonably priced. There is only one house in our neighborhood that is cheaper and it doesn't have a basement like ours does. We back up to woods and children in our neighborhood go to Howard County Public Schools, which are some of the best in the state. It's two bedrooms, and it would make a great starter home or home for a single person or small family. I know it's a long shot, but if anyone is in the market for a great town house in the heart of Maryland, please let me know and I will email you the specs. Even if you aren't interested in purchasing our home, then please pray that God would send someone are way who is! Gratzi.
There is not enough Visine in the world to make my insomnia-red eyes white again. If you're wondering why I haven't posted lately, my endless exhaustion pretty much sums it up. I am so tired because I cannot sleep. Usually I fall asleep, but medicated or unmedicated, I always wake up a few hours early and cannot fall back asleep. No, my body is not telling me that I've slept enough. I know this because if I was sleeping enough I wouldn't feel so spent all the time. I'm waking up because my psyche is telling me that something just isn't right. And I know what it is.
I am a person who likes to have control, but the God I serve prefers for my life to be reserved for His purposes rather than mine. No doubt His way is better, I've learned this time and time again, but what makes me lose sleep at night is worry about everything I have no control of. Everything I think I want but know I may not get and everything I imagine could happen to disrupt my comfortable status quo. I have plans, and the Bible has something to say about this:
Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. --Proverbs 19:21
The bad news is that after a lifetime as a Christian, I still need to learn to trust and surrender. If I trusted more, I could rest easy knowing that the God of the universe has my back and I have no reason to worry. I could also trust that I do in fact have no control and therefore worrying is futile since what is going to happen is going to happen regardless of whether or not I'm well-rested or up all night.
The good news is that my plans don't even begin to measure up to God's plans for me, no matter how wonderful a future I think I have mapped out in my head. I come back to Jeremiah 29:11 over and over again on this website (that is, when I'm actually posting on this website on a regular basis!) because it is a lesson that I constantly need to remind myself of--God's plans for me are good. He has a hopeful and prosperous future planned for me, not a shoddy one. Worrying about my plans is a waste of time when I'd literally be better off focusing on God's plans because His plans are better.