I daresay we’ve heard a bit about original sin, but not nearly enough about original glory, which comes before sin and is deeper to our nature. We were crowned with glory and honor. Why does a woman long to be beautiful? Why does a man hope to be found brave? Because we remember, if only faintly, that we were once more than we are now. The reason you doubt there could be a glory to your life is because that glory has been the object of a long and brutal war.
--John Eldredge, Waking the Dead
I know Americans didn't invent self-obsession--the Romans were good at it long before we were. Maybe self-obsession is a natural by-product of living in a society of abundance. We have all we need and then some, so since we don't have to focus on meeting our needs, we focus on "enriching" our own life experiences even more. We feel driven to better ourselves, and unlike the majority of people in the world, we have the time and money to do so. I think John Eldredge's point is correct--we feel this drive to better ourselves because we know that we were created to be more than we are now.
The problem is that we go about trying to restore our glory in all the wrong ways. The world tells our problem is superficial. If only we looked better, made more money, drove a nicer car, had more success in our careers...if only these things happened for us, then we would have glory once again. Listening to the world, we seek superficial and manmade fixes for our lost glory when the problem is not superficial at all. The problem is a spiritual problem and the only solution is found in God. Only through God's power can we fight the daily war waged against who we were created to be. Only through God's word and His whisperings to us can we learn who we are and begin to walk in that glory. All other efforts will leave us emptier than when we began our search. Only in surrendering all that we are to God will our glory be found again.
The Ravens really let me down this year when they lost to the Colts two weeks ago. The game was so boring and they weren't playing like they wanted to win. Most Baltimore fans despise the Colts because they used to be ours way back before they were in Indianapolis. The Colts actually haven't made it to the Super Bowl at all since they left Baltimore, and most Baltimore fans seem to want it to stay that way. So it was quite a disappointment to my husband when I told him yesterday that I was rooting for the Colts to defeat the Patriots.
I have two reasons for this choice. First, it gets boring to me to see the same teams win all the time. Going into last night's game, the Patriots were 12-1 in the playoffs and they were probably expecting to make it 13-1. When it was 21-6 at halftime, I think most of the rest of us expected the Patriots to make it 13-1, too. Yawn. My second reason for wanting the Colts to win is even more simple: I like Peyton Manning. He seems like a nice, down-to-earth kind of guy on top of being a good quarterback. He's never made it to the Super Bowl before, and I really wanted him to have that chance simply because he seems like a good guy to me. When the Colts pulled out an amazing win last night, Peyton was smiling his all-American smile, and I felt so happy for him. I know Baltimore can't forgive the Colts for leaving, but I don't see how people can cheer against Peyton Manning.
Last night became a night of firsts. As I already indicated, last night marked the first time that Peyton Manning has earned the right to be in the Super Bowl and the first time for the Colts since they left Baltimore. The Colts also set a new play-off record for a come back since they were behind by 15 points and managed to come back and win. In addition, when the Bears won, their coach Lovie Smith was set to become the first African American head coach ever to get to the Super Bowl. Then the Colts won and now we will have two teams with African American coaches playing each other in the big game. So as someone who gets bored with the same old, same old, I have a lot to celebrate now in the world of football.
It must have started from the Bugs Bunny and Road Runner cartoons I used to watch when I was little. If you've seen these cartoons, then you know that frequently some act of violence would cause one of the character's teeth to shatter like a broken plate. I might have laughed or I might have cringed. It never mattered because in the next scene, the teeth were back in place like nothing happened. I blame the cartoons because these are the images I always come back to when I think about my own teeth.
I can handle nails on a chalkboard, but I can't stand the sound of teeth grinding together. When I think about falling off a bike, I'm more terrified of breaking my teeth than I am of breaking my arm or my nose. I can sit for an hour while someone uses a needle to put ink into my skin, but I get jumpy when a dentist comes towards my gums with a needle filled with novacaine.
And today, I have to go to the dentist for just that. I found out two weeks ago that I cracked a filling. Apparently, it has to be replaced, although the crack isn't bothering me, so I don't understand why. My dentist said something about decay behind the filling, but who knows because I stopped listening after I heard that I would have to come back to get the filling replaced.
I have two fillings. I remember the last one more vividly than the first because I remember my dentist holding the needle up and saying, "Are you ready?" And I remember that when he said this, I promptly slid out of the chair and stood facing him. My answer was no. Fortunately, my dentist had a sense of humor and gently coaxed me back in the chair for a horrific hour-long torture session where I can still hear the grinding and feel chards of tooth hitting my cheek.
And now, to keep my teeth healthy, I am supposed to docilely get in the car and drive to the dentist today for more of this hell? To say I've fantasized more than once today about "forgetting" my appointment would be an understatement. I've actually thought about leaving my office and heading south, the opposite direction of where my dentist is. Too bad I don't have my car today, otherwise I might do just this. John has my car because it's getting work done on it, and he might miss his car if I flee the state with it.
So here I am, turning 29 in less than a week and still feeling like a 9 year old when my teeth are involved. My only options are drill or tooth decay, and I'm somehow going to have to muster up the strength to choose the former so that I don't end up with teeth like the coyote after an anvil smacks him the mouth.
"America is one of the most immoral countries in the world...our media has reduced humans to slabs of meat." --Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz
Whether we are looking for them or not, every day the media sends us images touting their idea of beauty. It's a very limited vision of beautiful--thin bodies; tanned, clear skin; silky hair; straight, white teeth; long legs and large breasts on the women; broad shoulders and toned muscles on the men. We are all vulnerable to these images and the havoc such images can create on our own self-perceptions. Adolescents are especially at risk because their self-images are so shaky as is, so it is no wonder that eating disorders tend to begin during the impressionable years between 12 and 22. Mine did. And what I hate about that imprssionable age is that I started down a path of behavior that would quite literally shape who I would be for the rest of my life. 14 is too young to decide on a college major and a career path, the government even deems it too young to vote in an election. Yet at the age I was able to choose to listen to voices that would enter me into a lifelong battle that quite frankly I'd rather not have to fight 15 years later.
To be fair to my 14-year old self, I honestly didn't know any better. I went on a diet to lose a few pounds because I thought I'd be happier and less depressed if I looked a little better. I must have had a predisposition that led me into trouble with the diet, maybe there is an eating disorder gene since there seems to be a gene for everything else. Or maybe it was just a combination of a previously established low self-esteem coupled with a home environment filled with many mixed messages about appearance from my father. People say eating disorders have nothing to do with weight or food. They're lying. In my case, the eating disorder began because of weight and food. Sure, there were underlying problems such as depression and poor self-image, but rest-assured that the weight and food played a big part in my condition and still do. In fact, my low self-esteem was and is based largely on physical appearance and cop-out or not, Hollywood doesn't help in the matter.
At 14, a few pounds turned into a few more until I had shrunk down to a size 4 and still felt like my legs were too thick. I would never have sought help for my "condition" if my habits hadn't swung full circle during my junior year in college when I went from meticulously counting every fat gram I put into my mouth to putting every fat gram I could find into my mouth. No, I'm not exaggerating. During the swing from anorexia to binge eating, I would sit down and eat an entire jar of peanut butter with a spoon in one sitting and finish an entire bag of candy (not the snack bags, the big bags you get for the kids at Halloween) in one afternoon. I sought help not so that I could finally develop normal eating habits but rather so that I could find the will power to return to starvation. I wasn't happy when I was thin, but at least I thought I looked good.
So, why bring all of this up now? Well, back in November I decided that I wanted to lose a few pounds again. I joined Weight Watchers because the only question they asked was whether or not I had an "active diagnosis" of bulimia. I haven't had true symptoms of bulimia since college, so I thought I would be fine. Turns out, any type of diet (call it a lifestyle if you want, but focusing on what I am eating still spells diet to me) can set off the binge trigger in someone with a history of eating disorders, active or not. And this happened for me in a big way. Even though I didn't learn that it was to be expected until I read an article about it several weeks later, I quickly found myself returning to the very thought patterns that got me into trouble when I was younger. And even though I only followed the Weight Watchers program for a couple weeks, I just finished off a dinner of cookies tonight, a couple months later.
And I feel stuck. God loves me and wants to deliver me from my self-addiction, but I'm still stuck in a culture where every day I'm reminded of what I'm not. Of course I realize we're all more than what we look like, but the rest of our country doesn't realize that, or least doesn't act like they realize it in a real way. I need God to deliver me from more than just self-obsession, but I also need deliverance from giving a rat's ass about what other people think of me. God's opinion should be the only one that matters. Should be the only one that matters. Should be.
So here I am with a stomachache from too many cookies, a heartache from always letting God and myself down when it comes to this daily task of eating, and a headache from analyzing myself too much and pondering the reason why I always come back to this point. I could spend all night cursing the immoral culture that wants me to be thin and cursing myself for buying into the hype and missing out on what really matters (which, by the way, I do know on some level is not a number on the scale), but that would just get me back to this place tomorrow and I'm tired of being here.
Donald Miller writes something else in Blue Like Jazz that I find so profound when I look at it in light of my own life. He writes, "And so I have come to understand that strength, inner strength, comes from receiving love as much as it comes from giving it.... God's love will never change us if we don't accept it." I want God to deliver me from my self-addiction, but He can't change me with His love for me if I don't receive it. And I mean receive His love more than just in my mind where I already intellectually accept that God loves me, but receive it into my heart, my soul, and my spirit. Receive it so that it is in the marrow of my bones and that it becomes what I live by. Even with so many years as a Christian under my belt, I don't think I've done this yet. Actually, I know I haven't done this yet because the evidence of me not receiving God's love is written all over my negative thoughts and actions towards myself, which of course spills over into negative thoughts and actions towards others.
I'm the worst kind of sinner, there is no doubt, but God loves me anyway. Really loves me. And He wants me to receive this love so that I can love others in return. He wants me to stop obsessing about myself and start obsessing about Him and His cause on this earth and His cause in this immoral country where He's planted me. I honestly believe that if I let it, His love can cut the chains that I have used to reduce myself to nothing more than a slab of meat. His love can set me free, but only if I accept it into every part of me and let it govern me where I have previously been letting society dictate who I am.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. --Ephesians 5:3-4
God created us each as unique individuals. He wants us to embrace the unique gifts He gave us and use them for His purposes. Yet, He still holds all of us to the same standards of conduct. Our individuality is not a justification to live life our way without regard for God's precepts. The standards He hold us to include purity, generosity, and thanksgiving. He does not expect us to achieve any of these apart from Him, but He does expect us to call on Him to help us strive for less impurity, less greed, and less foolish talk in our lives.
God warns us about our words and conversations repeatedly in the Bible. We often take words for granted and toss them around carelessly, but God wants us to understand the weight that our words carry. Several years ago I read in a book that sin begins in the mind, moves to the lips, and then consumates in our actions. When we fail to guard our words, we are clearing the path for sin to grow in our lives.
Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. --Ephesians 5:11-12
A lot of women (and even many of the men) I know have at one point or another in their lives engaged in gossip, and I certainly struggle with this myself. Some Christians pass the gossip on as "prayer requests." Others try to sell the gossip as something they are sharing out of concern for the other person when really it is just judgement and idle words. God will make the truth known, that is not our job. The Bible is clear that we should not sit around a table sharing the secrets of our acquaintances over drinks. If we know something about someone and we want to hold them accountable, we should start by directly and privately confronting the person about their sin rather than by spreading their sin all over town. Before we try to justify our judgement-casting, we should also confront ourselves and our own motivation. We should not lie to ourselves about the truth--gossip is without doubt a fruitless deed of darkness.
Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --Ephesians 5:15-17
Our time on earth is at a premium. Any day that we waste or opportunity to do good that we miss is lost forever. When we recognize our days as gifts to reinvest in God's kingdom, we realize that idle conversation doesn't just waste our time, it wastes God's time, too. When we are with our friends, we have an opportunity to invest in their lives; to listen to their struggles; to encourage, lift up and pray with them; to love them as God loves us. If we choose to use our time with our friends to gossip instead of inviting God into our conversations, we are living as the unwise.
Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. --Ephesians 5:19-20
Anybody who has been spoken to with harsh words knows how those words can sting and stick with us. In the same way, positive and uplifting words can implant themselves in the hearts of those who hear. Our words are not to be tossed around. Our words are to be used to plant seeds of light, truth, praise, thanksgiving, and love. God has been convicting me of the way I use my words, and He's been revealing the truth about what I say. The enemy would have us use words that waste time, hurt, and break down. God calls us to use words that praise, heal, and encourage growth.
*I click on the Ft. Lauderdale beach cam on the left side of this page quite often during the work week. My office has no windows, and even if it did the view would not be so sweet. Work to live, don't live to work.
*This week, the journal featuring my first published book review arrived on my desk. It's weird to see my name in print inside a professional publication. It's like I'm actually a professional or something!
*I officially signed up to participate in a triathlon in August. It's part of my effort to appreciate my body for what it can do rather than what it looks like. It's also a step way out of my comfort zone.
*I went to the dentist yesterday and found out I have a cracked filling. In less than two weeks I have to go back to get it fixed. I'm already mentally preparing myself for having a needle stuck into my gum.
*I still feel 22, but I'm turning 29 later this month. I know 29 is not old, but it sounds a lot older than 22 and it means that in another year I will no longer be able to say I'm in my 20's.
*You may not guess it, but I'm actually pretty technologically-challenged compared to most people my age. Even when I have problems with this site, I have to run to Allison to get them fixed.
*I brought cookies to our staff meeting this morning because if I hadn't, I would have eaten them all myself.
I would never define myself as a masochist because of my aversion to physical pain, but my emotional life illustrates a different story. More than the average person, I am quite skilled at mercilessly beating myself down. Case in point: last week my husband and I joined another couple on a cruise. It was the first real vacation that John and I have taken since our honeymoon. In my preparations I read an article about leaving a cruise more buffet than buff. Determined not to let this happen to me, I packed workout clothes and committed myself to exercising 5-6 days of our 7 day trip using the ship's jogging track and gym. As the days passed without me moving any more muscles than what it takes to shift positions on a lounge chair, I began to pile the guilt on myself for not being motivated to exercise. By the end of the week, I had beaten myself down pretty badly, in spite of my long-standing knowledge that after I left the anorexic behavior behind, all the guilt in the world no longer seems to motivate me to act a certain way. I spent my cruise vacation as probably the average American would--laying in the sun, reading, and enjoying ample quantities of good food. Yet I couldn't let myself fully enjoy my much-needed downtime because of my self-inflicted guilt for not being "better." And because all this guilt only adds to my self-obsession, I became ultra-paranoid that everyone with whom I shared my plans to exercise that week was judging me with the same gavel with which I judge myself.
Of course this self-deprecation is not in the least way a Biblical lifestyle. Contrary to popular belief, the Bible doesn't preach self-loathing when we are taught about humility. There is a middle ground. We are called to recognize the wonder in our personal creation (Psalm 139:13-14) and to know our gifts that we may share them for God's glory (Matthew 25:14-30). Self-loathing makes it impossible for us to live in a way where we maximize God's glory because self-loathing, I've found, maximizes our self-focus rather than our God-focus.
Soon after my father died, my pastor and I were dicussing the grief cycle and guilt. One thing he said to me that I've held onto is the idea that guilt is not from God. Revolutionary when you consider how many others view Christianity as a religious system! Yet the concept fits Biblically. Satan is known as the accuser, the one who finger points whenever we fail (Revelations 12:10). God is the grace-giver, the one who extends mercy and covers our sins and shortcomings with His love (Romans 3:22-24). Satan uses guilt because guilt creates a distraction from our spiritual walk and can cause us to feel out of the reach of God's grace. When I am mentally caught up in the self-abusing guilt cycle, I punish myself rather than accepting grace. God's grace offers freedom from this cycle so that my time and energy can be used for His kingdom purposes rather than my own self-serving tasks.
As I relect on the waste of time and energy it takes for me to mentally abuse myself, I came to a revelation about myself: I have no one to credit for my low self-esteem other than myself. There is no one else I can blame because no one else sends me messages that are as negative as those I send myself. I choose to measure my worth by hours in the gym and by the number of times I restrain myself from the candy jar at work. It is no wonder that I constantly fall short of the strict standards I set for myself. And it is no wonder that my self-esteem is so low when I always set myself up for failure with these measures. There is no way to sugar coat it--this is idolatry. By measuring my value by the gym and my sugar-intake, I am worshipping the false God of the American culture that tells me I am what I look like and that drives me to compulsively serve diet and exercise in order to be rewarded with a more culturally admirable appareance. In doing this, I am down-grading the one true God's opinion of me and the one true God's way to salvation which is the path of grace and not the path of punishment. The Bible clearly defines who we are in Christ. When I choose not to recognize who I am in Christ and live out that identity, I am instead living out an idenity set up for me by the fallen world. And in doing so I am cheating God as well as myself. Instead of being used for His purposes, I am being used for the enemy's purpose, and this is evident in my depression and paranoia that drives me deeper into my patterns.
To be clear, I think that a healthy diet and exercise are important when kept in perspective. Our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19), and we are called to treat them well and take care of them. The problem is when we fall to extreme compulsion in diet and exercise that leaves us guilty when we even slightly stray from the course we ourselves have laid out. In one of my newer daily reads, a recent post about the New Year said, "May you choose food and exercise that nourishes your life - not punishes it!" This is my goal for the new year. I want to find the place where I let go of the drive to punish myself for having an appetitie, where I stop striving and just let myself be, where I finally learn to make peace with myself so that my life can start to be about loving God and loving others instead of punishing myself and neglecting both God and others. I want to continue to strive to eat well and exercise, but I don't want to obsess about it. I want to be healthy so I can serve Him longer, not to worship diet and exercise with the hopes that I'll look better and therefore be happier. As I should have learned from my super-skinny days, thinness and happiness are not one in the same. And as I should have learned from my early salvation days, walking closely with God and doing His will brings a joy to my life that I can get through no other means no matter how much Satan would try to convince me otherwise.
In summary, humility requires a healthy fear of God and a healthy understanding of who we are in the universe. It also requires a respect for who we are in Christ and the power that we have in His name. If we live in self-loathing as I often do, we aren't in His will. If we live in love and humility, we are living as He's called us. I pray that 2007 would be a year where all of us who share in the battle of body image and self-obsession would make peace with all of our strengths and all of our limitations, remembering that these physical bodies are only temporary and relatively inconsequential in spite of all the time, energy, and money we spend on them. What lasts is not our flesh but our spirits, and the bulk of our resources should go to improving the quality of our spiritual lives rather than our pants size (1 Corinthians 15:42-50).