I discovered VisualDNA over at Spilt Milk. I tried it out and was quite impressed with ithe accuracy of the personality descriptions it gave me. Who knew that a few pictures could offer so much insight? Give it a shot.
Some behaviors we engage in because they are our habits; others we engage in because they are part of who we are. As I have said before, I unquestionably have an addictive personality, which is why I count my blessings that I have avoided any kind of addictive involvement with drugs or alcohol. Still, there are some things I do because of my addictive tendencies. As I live with myself longer, I'm learning to recognize the difference between an addiction and a defining behavior. The difference is not just that one is bad and the other is good. These qualifiers could apply to behavior in both the addictive and the defning categories. The difference between the two is far more subtle than good or bad. Obviously, one difference is that defining behaviors are even harder than addictions to change. I can go to therapy to get over an addiction because my addiction is not the essence of who I am. But defining behaviors seem to live within my very marrow. Addictions are crutches I learn to lean on over time as a way to cope with life. Defining behaviors are an inherent part of my life. I may feel compelled to engage in addictive behavior, but I feel truly lost when I don't engage in my defining behaviors.
In Proverbs, we are instructed to write love and faithfulness on our hearts (Proverbs 3:3). Our hearts are permanent tablets, so when we write the behaviors of love and faithfulness upon our hearts, these behaviors should become part of us. I vividly remember an experience I had in college during an extremely low point when I was actually in therapy to get over a negative addiction that I had been engaging in for 8 years at that point. As I walked across campus to the health center to see my counselor, I remembered thinking how much easier life would be if I was not a Christian. Before I even completed this thought, I felt an overwhelming awareness that I could not simply choose to no longer be a Christian. My faith in Christ is an essential part of who I am. Even though I could hope for recovery from my eating disorder, which was simply an addiction and not a defining behavior, I realized that day that I could not even begin to define myself apart from my faith. Similarly, I've come to understand that there are other behaviors that are part of my composition--behaviors I had previously considered disposable but that I am now learning can't simply be cut out or overcome the way an addiction can. I'm learning to embrace these behaviors as part of what makes me who I am.
Of course, God can change us at our cores even if therapy and 12-step programs can do nothing to chip away at our defining behaviors no matter how successful they are at breaking us of our addicitons. In the process of sanctification, God will refine the beahviors that define us so that they are used for His glory rather than ours. He will transform us and what has previously defined us may change, particularly if our defining behaviors are not honoring to Him or His word. The transforming power of His love working in us is the only element strong enough to alter our core being.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
--Psalm 16:11
In the study I am doing on Max Lucado's book, He Still Moves Stones, Max writes about how we walk through this life blind. We do not know where we are going or what the future holds. God is guiding us, but we are easily distracted by all the other noise around us. Max is right. Sometimes it is hard to focus on God's voice when our society, our colleagues, and even our friends and family tell us to go different directions. We have to filter out so much noise to hear God's still small voice whispering to us.
Through all of the chaos and mixed messages of the world, God has given us the path of life. What great news for all of us blind people! God is with us to show us the right way to go. From my experience, the best way to discern God's will within the mess of our daily lives is to faithfully stay in God's word. His word is where He has laid out the path of life. Logic tells us that we can't recognize the voice of someone we don't know. Reading and meditating on His word and maintaining an active prayer life is how we get to know God and how we learn to pick His voice out of the noise around us.
When we invite God into all areas of our lives, we will learn to stay on the path of life. On the path of life we will find a deeper joy and peace than we could ever have imagined--far deeper than the superficial and transient happiness that the world offers. The path of life is not an easy road, but when walk it our joy and peace follow us into our pain. Our joy and peace are part of our eternal experience, holy side effects of staying in God's presence. And that is what God wants for us. He wants us to walk with Him on the path of life and feel the joy of being in His presence today. Our joy with Him now gives us a glimpse of heaven while we're still on earth and some days that is all the hope we need to persevere.
A friend of mine emailed me about an experience he had yesterday while sitting outisde in an open shopping center watching people walk by him. He described a car driving by with raunchy music blaring from the radio, scantily clad girls parading around seeking attention, and young men arrogantly strutting down the walkway. He also noticed a father holding the hand of his young daughter, walking quietly in the shade without any of the attention-seeking behavior of some of the surrounding crowd. My friend's email ended with this provocative question: "Why do you think the darkness presses on with force while the light seems to hide in the shade?"
From scripture, the verse that immediately comes to mind is Ephesians 5:8, "For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light." This means, courageously stepping out of the shadows to shine in front of the world (Matthew 5:16). I say courageously, because it is definitely easier to hide in the shade than to spring out into the center of the action. When we hide, we avoid conflict. The biggest threat to the darkness is light. Nobody confronts us or persecutes us when we are hiding our light because we are not a threat until we stop hiding.
My friend's question really comes down boldness for Christ. Boldness is not just about being seen, it's about being heard. I can recall many times in the Bible when God's people are shouting, both for joy and for victory over an enemy. Shouting--not cowering in a corner hoping to go unnoticed, but in the streets shouting for everyone to hear [in fact, when I typed the word "shout" into a Bible search engine, the word appeared 59 times in the New International Version, and that is not including the many variations of the word suchs as shouts (19 times), shouted (53 times), and shouting (27 times)]. God did not call His people to blend into the background. He wants us to be heard above the noise of the world. He wants us to step out of the shadows for His glory, rather than hide to protect ourselves.
I think too often protecting ourselves our biggest focus. We want to blend in with the world, but God wants us to stand out. We want to be safe, but God wants us to be fearless (the phrases do not fear and do not be afraid come up quite a bit in the Bible as well!). In our myopic vision, we don't recognize that by hiding our light and remaining quiet while the world happily carries on the status quo of depravity, we are helping Satan's cause rather than Christ's. Christ wants us to stir up trouble in the world. He sure did, and He calls us to follow His example. Let's step out of the shade and into the center of the chaotic and fallen world that so desparately needs to see our light and hear our shouting.
Yesterday was a day of rejoicing for me. After a months of trial, John and I finally went to settlement and sold our townhouse. On this site, I haven't written much detail about the battle we have had with this house, but I have been emailing out the prayer requests to close friends and family, and we are grateful for all the prayers that ultimately led to our deliverance from the series of crises connected to the sale of this house. Based on the sequence of events that unfolded with the townhouse, it was clear that Satan was working his hardest to get some type of victory from the situation. Fortunately, we serve a God who is much greater than our enemy (1 John 4:4). Through the peace that surrounded us from everyone's prayers, John and I perservered through the trial and came out stronger than before both as husband and wife and as individuals walking with God. We both grew tremendously during this time, especially in regards to patience and faith. Even though we are relieved for it to be over, I can honestly say that I am already grateful for the experience because it brought me back to my knees in a way that I hadn't truly been for awhile. What Satan meant for harm, God used for good (Genesis 50:20).
A few hours after settlement ended yesterday, I took my dog for a walk. A little after 7pm, we set off on our usual path through the woods behind our house. During the walk, I was praising God for deliverance from the trials we recently faced and for the all the people who prayed for us. As we turned a corner on the path, about 50 feet in front of us we watched as a group of deer ran across the path and up the hill to the left of the path where we were walking. They stood still at the top of the hill and stared at us through the trees. I counted seven deer total, which is quite a few for a small wooded area in the middle of a very developed community. In my entire life leading up to this point, I had only seen as many as two deer together at once, so this sight was a brand new one for me. Since I was already in a prayerful mindset, I quickly recalled some scripture related to deer:
As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. --Psalm 42:1
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer; he enables me to stand on the heights. --Psalm 18:33
I believe that God sent those deer across my path to remind me of His presence and power in my life. He sent seven of them because He wanted to make sure He got my attention!
Out of curiousity today, I decided to do some online research to see if there is any symbolism to deer. I found out on one site that in Native American culture, deer are symbollic of purity of purpose and of walking in the light. Although this was obviously not derived directly from the Bible, the idea of purity of purpose and walking in the light reminded me again of Psalm 42:1 and 18:33 because of the comparison in those verses to our own walks with God and the life of a deer in the forest. Even more exciting, I found out in an online book review that in ancient times Christians used the deer as a symbol for Christ partly because the stag was considered an enemy of the serpent and therefore a symbol of Christ's triumph over Satan. Wow. Christ just triumphed over Satan in a huge way in my life, then God sends deer across my path, and then I learn that in ancient times Christians used the deer to symbolize Christ's triumph.
Even further, Biblically speaking, seven is considered a holy number as a number of completeness and perfection. So perhaps the seven deer were sent to remind me that God's trimumph over Satan has already been completed and perfected with Christ's work on the cross. I truly have no reason to fear (Romans 8:31). This is loaded with meaning for me becuase of the personal inner struggle I have been battling with fear and faith for the past few years, long before this townhouse situation arose. God gives me goosebumps in the way He orchestrates everything so perfectly and so beautifully! I am also awed by His personal and intimate interest in me and of all His children. He reaches out to us where we are, but so often we are too caught up in ourselves to notice. I praise Him and thank Him for His relentless pursuit of my wandering heart.
The Lord reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice. Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne. Fire goes before him and consumes his foes on every side. His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles. The mountains melt like wax before the Lord, before the Lord of all the earth. The heavens proclaim his righteousness, and all the peoples see his glory. All who worship images are put to shame, those who boast in idols-- worship him, all you gods!
Zion hears and rejoices and the villages of Judah are glad because of your judgments, O Lord. For you, O Lord, are the Most High over all the earth; you are exalted far above all gods. Let those who love the Lord hate evil, for he guards the lives of his faithful ones and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. Light is shed upon the righteous and joy on the upright in heart. Rejoice in the Lord, you who are righteous, and praise his holy name
--Psalm 97
The more I examine my life, the more disappointed I am with myself for all the little things I put before God--all the idolatry in my life. I worship a God who makes mountains melt like wax.
Pause for a second and imagine this. Mountains melt like wax before God. Wow.
So knowing this, how is it that I still sometimes seek satisfication in lessor things? I fall to my knees in misery when God takes away a crutch I held onto just like an Israelite crying when my golden calf is thrown into the fire. I beg for it back as if I don't realize that in God I have more life than I could hope for with anything else.
We are trapped in bodies of flesh and we crave the tangible, but God doesn't always appear in tangible ways for us. Our small minds that are confined in the physical want constant reinforcement. God gave us His word to read, meditate on, and carry with us everywhere so that we would have this reinforcement. But we are weak. We grow complacement in our spiritual practices and turn to the easily accessible people, possessions, worldly goals and worldly ways--our comfortable idols. And Satan laughs.
None of the petty idols in my life could ever compare to the God of the universe. Nothing in any of our lives could stand before God--no person, no job, no material possession, no activity, no fame. We live to glorify God with all of creation. Spending our lives for any lessor goal does not make sense in light of who God is and in light of our destiny with Him. He can melt the mountains in our lives today and turn our worlds around for His glory. Bow down and let Him reign.
Five years ago today...
I left for work and everything was fine.
I came home and the world stopped spinning.
I miss you every day, Dad.
We want to be saints, but we also want to feel every sensation experienced by sinners; we want to be innocent and pure, but we also want to be experienced and taste all of life; we want to serve the poor and have a simple lifestyle, but we also want all the comforts of the rich; we want to have the depth afforded by solitude, but we also do not want to miss anything; we want to pray, but we also want to watch television, read, talk to friends, and go out. --Ronald Rolheiser
Rolheiser's words capture the struggle of humanity so clearly and concisely. We are spiritual beings imprisoned by flesh. Our spirits within us hunger for more than what the world offers us, but our flesh foolishly continues to chase after the world. We want some of everything, but we can't worship God and the world at the same time (Mattew 6:24).
I have personally said, "I don't want to miss anything" in reference to the very active social life I had 4 years ago. The irony is that when I fill my time with the lessor things of the world, I am missing the better, more fulfilling things of God. I am choosing the world's imitation of life over God's offer of abudant life (John 10:10). And so are so many other Christians.
This is not to say that we should not enjoy the gifts God has given us, including socializing with our friends. We have to live among the world so that we can be a light in the darkness, but we have to be careful not to choose the things of the world over God or our lights will dim. As humans, we must live in the world, but as Christians we cannot live for the world.
We are weak, divided creatures who daily struggle in the battle between spirit and flesh that Rolheiser describes. We love the Lord, but we live in a society of such material abundance that it's easy for us to choose the quick fix promises of the world over the long road of Christian life. The world offers many different paths for our flesh to take, but God designed our spirits so that, ultimately, we will not be fulfilled apart from Him.
I stumbled across something interesting today about my family. My aunt wrote about my grandmother saying, "I always did what was expected of me," soon after my grandfather died. While my aunt goes deeper into the meaning behind this phrase, I am interested in the emphasis on image in her words. Who was she trying to impress, God or the world or was she aiming for both? I am curious about it because the focus on image has definitely been passed down through the generations, and I find myself falling into the trap of wanting to look good in front of the world, sometimes at the expense of being real with the world. Certainly behaviors and values are passed down by families, but I also think in many ways that this concern with doing what is expected is very much the way that women have traditionally been socialized in our culture. In my grandma's day, it was expected that women were good housewives with clean houses, well-fed families, and well-behaved children. In our day, women are expected to be all that as well as ambitious and successful outside of the home. Christian women may feel like they have even more expectations to meet because we are also called to be Christ's ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20). If we always do what is expected of us, we are bound to go crazy in trying to meet everyone's expectations. Something has to give.
The key question that we must ask ourselves is whose expectations are most important to us--who are we trying hardest to impress? Is it God? Is it our husband and/or our children? Is it our friends? Is it the parents of our children's friends? Is it our colleagues at work? Whose opinion matters most and how do we show that with our actions?
If we are placing anyone's opinon of us or expectations for us above God's, then we cannot expect our representation of Christ to be true. When we put the world's view above God's, we are adulterers because we are looking outside our covenant relationship with God for validation and fulfillment (James 4:4). When we invite the world in to meet these needs that only God can fully meet in our lives, we are implying that God is not enough and that His opinion of us isn't as important as what other people think. Try as we might, we cannot look to the world for approval at the same time that we are looking to God for approval. We simply cannot call ourselves God's friend if we are living for the world instead of for Him. The good news is that God does care about our husband, children, and career apsirations, and we can be successful in those areas while still serving Him. And even better news is that if we are living to meet His expectations, we will find that we are actually better at being a wife, mother, and career woman than if we were focusing our attention on those goals instead of God. But we have to keep Him first. We have to live to impress Him and not worry so much about whether or not we are impressing others in the process.
Since I can't go to the gym at the moment because of the physical therapy for my knee, I have developed the new habit of rushing home from work to walk the dog. These walks hardly qualify as exercise since long-haired miniature dachshunds are not known for their long legs or endurance, but they do clear my mind. I've learned on these walks that my 2 1/2 year old dog knows a lot more about living than I do after 29 years after practice. Unlike me, my dog does not measure her walks in terms of miles covered or calories burned. While I'm using our time together to unwind from work, my dog uses our time to engage with God's creation using all five of her senses as much as possible. And I do mean all five senses! My dog savors every moment we are outside, taking every step unapologetically, even when her frolicking requires us to stop at every other tree. I envy her carefree appreciation for living. While I am busy doing, my dog has mastered the art of being.
In addition to bonding with the dog on our walks, these last few days, I've been enjoying the changing seasons. While my sinuses certainly don't fully appreciate springtime in Maryland, the rest of body does. One of my two favorite times of the year occurs as creation slowly rouses from its winter slumber, and all that was dormant begins to burst into new life again. The changes the spring brings remind me of the countless new beginnings that God offers His children. No matter how many times we stray or fall, He restores us to new life in Him, to our beauty in Him, just as the flowers and the trees are restored to new life and colorful beauty each spring.
Walking the dog has simply given me a great excuse to be outside. In the fall, I am outside every day coaching, but during the other three seasons, I typically spend my afternoons safely tucked away in a climate-controlled gym. This year, I am remembering how much I enjoy the outdoors. The community where our new house is located maintains wonderful trails through the woods around our neighborhood, and I've enjoyed exploring these quiet pathways and marveling at the first breaths of warm air on my arms and the sight and sound of birds dancing and singing through the trees. Experiening the complex beauty of God's creation always draws me closer to Him who created it all.
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way; and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. --Isaiah 53:5-6
Even though I have been a Christian for my whole life, I still get chills when I think about the sacrifice Christ made for us. And I pray that I would always get goosebumps when I read or hear about what He did for us on the cross, that the tremendous act of love, mercy, and grace would always overwhelm me. I pray for every believer that none of us would ever grow so accustomed to His sacrifice that we take it for granted. Read these words from Isaiah out loud today until they soak into your soul.
I don't know that our feeble minds will ever be able to understand the mystery of God's love, but thankfully, we don't have to. We just have to accept His love and live in a constant state of awe in regards to the grace that covers us so completely without any act of our own. Nichole Nordeman sings "The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity/Neither can I oversimplify this love/Oh, let me not forget to tremble." Let us not ever take our salvation or Christ's work on the cross for granted, but let us fall trembling to our knees in awe and gratitude. He bore out sins so that we wouldn't have to and by His wounds we are healed.
Be very careful, then, how you live--not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. --Ephesians 5:15-17
I truly believe that distraction is one of Satan's favorite ways to keep Christians from doing the work of God. In our society, distraction is one of the easiest and most accessible tools that Satan has available to him. Most of us live such fast-paced and activity-filled lives, that we can easily fall into Satan's trap of believing that we don't have the time to read the Bible or pray every day. We believe that it's quicker for us to call the shots rather than to pray and wait for God to direct our path. In our fast-food, expressway lifestyle, who has time to wait on God?
Obviously, the better question is who has time to run this race without God? See, the problem is that when we are too distracted to make time for God and we begin to call the shots for ourselves, we usually end up in a mess that only God can untangle and this untangling process often takes more time than if we had just sought God's will in the first place. There is no earthly measure that could help us understand the precious time we waste by doing things our way instead of God's. Even if we can count the hours we spend in front of the TV instead of out ministering to others, even if we can count the days that we allow our gifts to lie dormant when we could be using them for God's glory, even if we know how many minutes we spend on our commutes each day grumbling about traffic when we could be using the time to pray, our minds are too small to comprehend all that is lost from our idleness in the middle of our hectic schedules.
Make no mistake, Satan is laughing and clapping his hands when he sees how easily we are suckered away from our purpose. Even if we don't know, Satan knows full well all that is lost by our wasted time. He makes tick marks on his tally sheet for every opportunity to do good that we miss by falling into his trap of distraction. Our enemy knows how to push us on to the path of fools, and, let me assure you, that he is quite cunning in his methods. Satan knows how to disguise evil by twisting the truth just enough to make it a lie but not so much that it is clearly wrong so that even the well-meaning get led astray. He loves our American ideals which focus on materialism and on self rather than on love and God. He is so pervasive in our culture, that his messages have been imbedded into our unconscious so that we walk around with a sense of entitlement that has nothing to do with who God created us to be or what God created us to do.
We are called by God to live a life of purpose, a life focused on Him, His will, His kingdom, and His word. If we believe Satan that we are too busy for God and God's work, we are living as fools. If we stay focused and seek to keep God in the center of every moment, we are living as the wise. Satan wants us to be so busy that we run on auto-pilot and ignore the opportunties and adventure that God has in store for us each day. God wants us to stay awake and run towards His will rather than zig-zagging through the distractions.
Work is getting to me again. I enjoy the students, but I don't feel as fulfilled as I think I should feel with my work. Actually, I would say that this lost, unfulfilled, searching feeling characterizes a lot of areas of my life. I have agreed with the assessment of others that my depression is partly related to unrealistic expectations. For instance, if I expected work to be dull and unfulfilling instead of satisying, maybe I wouldn't be so depressed that it wasn't something I looked forward to and felt called to.
Two days ago I was complaining about how I can't exercise like I want to because I'm in physical therapy for my knee and I'm not allowed to run on it yet. When I said this, my loving husband said, "Maybe God wants you to use the time you would normally spend at the gym for something else. Maybe you should write a book." There was no hesistation after the words left his mouth, I instantly burst into tears. Writing a novel was my childhood dream, and I have done everything in my power to avoid it. I started to cry because as soon as I said those words, all my fears swirled around me and over me like the waterfall waters that almost killed me in Grenada. Even though writing a novel has been the one thing I've always wanted to do, I have always--even in high school when I dropped out of my creative writing class as soon as it started--been too scared, too afraid of failure and rejection, to even attempt it. I got into education because it seemed like a good thing, and even more importantly, a safe thing to do. But as it turns out, I'm hiding just like Jonah in the belly of the fish.
Like Jonah, God has been tugging on my heart to do something, and my fears about the gift being inadequate are not a good excuse to hide from His calling. I may not be a good writer, but on the other hand, maybe my tears are proof enough that my heart is crying out for me to at least try. Not that I haven't tried before, but whenever I start to write a book I feel overwhelmed at the huge task ahead of me and then this paralyzing fear takes over and I am too blocked by it to continue to write.
Part of what makes me think that God is trying to get the message through to me to try again is that John is not the first person who has presented the book writing idea to me in the past month. In fact, he's the third. I believe that God sometimes uses people to help us find our way. My lack of lack of fulfillment and continuous restlessness in my professional life is another clue. I'm starting to understand that I'm not fulfilled because I'm basically living out a safer plan under the guise of "doing something good" for other people while I really avoid the one thing that might actually make me feel fulfilled. Jonah was also trying to play it safe and avoid the riskier plan God called him to when the fish swallowed him up and gave him time to think.
Right now, I feel like I am in the belly of a fish with nothing else to do but think and meditate on God's call on my life. Like Jonah, I've spent much of my time living in fear and running away from my call. Lately I've been feeling like my problem with my knee is God pushing me more forcefully onto a different path, just like He did with Jonah. God is reminding me that time is precious (Ephesians 5:16) and I have already wasted more than enough. Now I need to make the choice to stop spending my time for my own selfish and safe pursuits and start spending it on wildly pursuing whatever adventure God has planned for me.