Numbers, Words and Resolutions

John and I got a new scale. Our old one broke. Even after I replaced the battery it still said I weighed 65 pounds. The new one we got is an upgrade from our old-school digital scale. This new one measures our body fat and our hydration levels as well as our weight. At least it is supposed to. Apparently, the little "harmless" beams that the scale shoots up through our bodies to read our fat cannot penetrate properly when a person's thighs are touching. And as I discovered yesterday when I decided to test this magical machine out, I cannot stand on the scale in such a way that my thighs don't touch, so basically the only real number I can get from the scale is my body weight. Just like on our old boring scale before it went on the fritz. And maybe the fact that I cannot keep my thighs from touching on the scale says all I really need to know about my body fat anyway.

Or maybe it's just further proof that I live in a society that struggles to recognize individual body differences. I think the only time my thighs did not touch is when I was severely underweight from my anorexia. And even then I remember having a conversation with my mom saying that it was unfair that the only way I could make my legs fit society's standard is when I lost enough weight that I no longer had breasts that fit society's standard. Lesson: my body simply wasn't designed the way society wants it to look. The last time I had my body fat measured at the gym it was 17% percent. My guess is that it's up from that number because of the knee issue that sidelined me completely for the entire first half of 2007, but it's probably not up to an unhealthy range since I've been exercising regularly again since June even though I still can't run. I am healthy, but I'm built with more curve in my thighs than in my hips. The lifting and cardio that I do regularly have worked together to build the muscle and make it stronger, but my fitness level hasn't change the fact that my thighs touch. My new scale--like most clothing designers, by the way--does not understand that part of my shape.

And neither do a lot of people who can only view my body through society's distorted lens. Let me take a moment to recap some of the completely unsolicited words that people have used in relation to my body over the years:

"You know, if you lowered the level on the elliptical machine, you would build lean muscles instead of bulky ones." --some older gentleman at my gym in college who didn't even tell me his name but had no problem giving me exercise advise. Maybe I like my bulky muscles, you bastard.

"I like to cook, so I like to date women who like to eat, and well...." --some guy I only went out with once who gestured at my body while saying "well...". And the funny thing is, he kept calling for a second date. Idiot.

"I wish I had your legs." --a much thinner colleague who worked at another high school while we were away on a business trip and I was feeling fat. This woman actually envied my muscular legs. What? Wow.

"Now all you have to do is some cardio to lose the fat." --a man I used to lift with.

"You've got a little sister hip." --a woman I just met that day as she reached over and touched my thigh while a group of us were discussing weight. I was more offended than complemented given the nature of the conversation we were having and the fact that the comment that proceeded that one was someone who I knew longer talking about how in shape I am. I can't believe that even with my history and strong feelings about body issues that I am still a woman who engages in these conversations about how much I wished I fit society's standards and then I get offended when someone implies that I don't. Am I really that much of a hypocrite? I guess so.

"You can definitely hit the ball harder than that. You're legs are like tree trunks." --a former colleague during practice for our work softball team. Unfortunately, tree trunks may have lots of good characteristics, but most females in our plastic society would rather have their legs described as wispy flower stems than solid tree trunks.

"Are you anorexic? No? Well, then I think you look fantastic." --a friend after I lost a little too much weight in high school. Interestingly, that obsession also started with a scale.

I could go on and one at the numerous amount of feedback about my body that virtual strangers have felt their duty to share with me over the years. But I won't, because it's silly and a little sad that I remember all of that and even sillier and sadder that a lot of other women with my body image ailment could probably share things that were said about their bodies by people who don't matter in their lives any more than the above people matter in mine. In truth, society may have cast the mold women are supposed to fit, but we women keep the mold strong every time we bow down to it by reducing ourselves to words and numbers that really have nothing at all to do with the wonder of our bodies. Our bodies that can lift weights, run marathons, carry babies, wipe tears, and smell roses. Our bodies are so much more than measurements or comments--the things that society focuses on while all the beauty and truth of our unique differences gets blurred in the background. My resolution this year is not about losing weight or working out more so that I can hopefully approximate society's beauty ideal a little better. My resolution is to finally learn to let go of the words that others have to say about how I look and to use my intellect to remember some more significant things, like maybe a new language or new skill that has nothing whatsoever to do with what society wants out of me.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Self-obsession

We live in a society that is obsessed with self. Every day we have access to an abundance of opportunities for self-improvement, self-fulfillment, self-gratification, self-love. The problem is that all this focus on self removes our focus from where it should be. We readily believe society that we need "me-time," but we neglect the more important God-time. Our self-centeredness means we are not God-centered, and because of this, the more we strive to better ourselves, the worse we may actually become. If we dig deep enough in our self-examination, we will find that it's the focus on self that causes most of our problems--our entitlement, our arrogance, our anger, our jealousy, our fighting, our gossip and unedifying words. If we focused on God a little more and ourselves a little less, we would find that our lives reflect Him more than our sinful natures. If we focused on God more than ourselves, we would find that we are more improved, fulfilled, satisfied, and loved than we ever were when our focus was on us. This isn't to say that there is no benefit to self-examination if we use the process to turn our focus back to God. But there is more harm than benefit when our self-examination becomes self-obesession. As Christians, we need to break free of society's self-focus and start focusing on God instead. This is the only way we will be able to walk in victory and to lead others to victory as well.