Five Years

Five years ago today...

I left for work and everything was fine.

I came home and the world stopped spinning.

I miss you every day, Dad.

Childhood

Someone emailed me this image today:

This simple picture evokes all of my feelings of nostalgia for childhood. I may have never dove headfirst into a pile of leaves from so far up in the air, but what I miss about being young is being completely carefree. I miss playing. I still have fun and "play" in my grown up way, but with bills to pay and work to do, I don't think I've had the complete carefree joy that this little boy exhibits in this one simple act of childhood fun. This picture also makes me want to work in an elementary school or have some kids of my own so that I can watch as they discover life and delight in all that we adults take for granted. Raking leaves is now a chore instead of a chance for fun. Even though the fall means kids are back to school, they still play as hard as (or harder than) they work. I wish I could still say that I play as much as I work, but those days where fun mattered most and responsibility was minimal have drastically diminished as I've aged. So I fantasize about working with young children in a preschool or elementary school because I long to be surrounded by that kind of freedom again even I'm only living it vicariously.

Remnants of Before

I drove around tonight. I drove through back roads that no one knew I used to take to visit Allison from where I used to live. I even cracked my window down so that I could smell the piney air--the scent that made me feel like I was coming home the first time I took the windy road to get to my former church. I sometimes miss the "old" days. I adore my husband and I enjoy my new life, but I would be lying if I said I don't miss certain aspects from my past, too. I miss the friendships. I see my old friends from time to time, but we aren't the same family that we were before. We now spend our meetings catching up because we didn't just see each other yesterday. I miss that closeness. I miss the freedom of living near my friends. I sometimes wonder if I would be happier if John and I just picked up and moved closer to them. But we realistically cannot afford that and, even more, I realistically don't think it would make me any happier. Even before I met John, things had changed. And somehow the changes just seem to make life more complicated. But perhpas the complication is in the fact that a part of my heart desperately wants to cling to what has gone. It gets complicated to try to recreate the past in an entirely different present. A present, I might add, that I can't even get a handle on by itself without longing for days of yore. I value what my friendships have become, but part of me still misses what they were. I wouldn't change my current situation, but I would like to at least briefly taste again what I had. The essence of life, however, prohibits such indulgence. I can reminisce with the sights, sounds, and smells, but I can transport myself back only in mind and not in body. Moving ever forward into deeper realms of complication as I try to integrate who I was with who I am.

Catching up

A couple weeks ago, I had the opportunity to go to a bridal shower for a former college roommate. She was my maid of honor in my wedding and now I going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. The shower was a great opportunity for me to catch up with friends from college, a few of whom I have not seen in five years. It's interesting because at the same time that so much has changed in five years, it also feels like so little has changed. Of the 9 of us, three of us are now married and one is going to be married in February. One is working on her PhD. All but two live in Maryland not too far from where we went to school. Even though our conversations focused on what we're doing now, our connections seemed to pick up where they left off. There was no awkwardness and no lulls in conversation. We were so happy to see each other that it makes me wonder why it took so long for us to hang out again. Anyway, here is a picture of a few of us. Ironically, the two people I'm sitting directly next to are the only two people I've actually kept in touch with over the past five years: