I haven't posted in awhile, but not because I haven't had anything to say. I haven't posted in awhile because I've had too much to say and I couldn't figure out where to start. So I'll start with this: damn all the self-righteous judgment-casters. I'll start with that because I'm going to say what is on my mind even if it means that some self-righteous people are going to feel the need to talk. I'm tired of censoring myself out of fear of being judged by them. I'm going to be real and raw right now.
I'm depressed. Not crying all the time or contemplating suicide depressed, but more of a general despondence with life. Some of it can be tied to my circumstances. There is definitely a lot of stress in my life right now, and it seems like a whole lot of little things are falling apart along with the bigger things. To run through a litany of all that has not gone right over the past two months would take much longer than I what I feel like giving right now, so you'll just have to trust me that it's a lot and that it runs the gamut from the heat breaking down in the townhouse right after we finally got an offer on it to the smashed side window on my car to the knee pain that I'm taking to the orthopedist this week to the fact that I feel completely disconnected at my current church to the broken relationships in my family. A lot of it I'm sure is just the nature of life and I shouldn't be wasting my time in my comfortable self-pity, but I can't deny the spiritual toll that all of this has taken on me.
Remember Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty? He said he felt like he was an ant and God was a mean kid with a magnifying glass. People laughed. I laughed at the time not realizing I would one day know that feeling as well as I do now. I'm supposed to be leading a good life of example, but I'm too worn out to care. So instead of faking it, I'm going ot be real and say that sometime life just sucks. Period. If that makes me ungrateful than we can just add that to the list of things that I need to repent for when I have the courage to pray again. I was talking to the one person whom I have told how I'm really feeling and he said, "So you feel like Job?" But that's not it. Job was a righteous man and God allowed for him to be tested because of his righteousness. I'm not righteous and I don't feel like I'm being tested. I feel like I'm being punished. I'm not Job, I'm an Israelite following Moses on the way out of Egypt.
Like the Israelites wandering in the desert, I'm finding my way back to my familiar crutches because it's easier to deal with the pain and emptiness that I get from turning to them than it is to deal with the pain and emptiness I get from facing my own life right now. Instead of getting right with God, I'm only doing things that are making me more wrong. And I'm so depressed that even if all the wrong in my life means that God kills me before I make it to my promised land, I don't care. Apathy has taken over where passion used to live. Even though I am happier when I'm around other people and not thinking about myself, I can't find the motivation to leave the house and actually be around them. Even though I'm happier when I'm walking my road, I'd rather just sit here on the couch and stare at the wall because there are too many places to trip if I get up and walk. I wouldn't say I've given up, but I have put myself into time-out for an indefinite amount of time. That is what I'm feeling. It's not sugar-coated; it's real. If you want to judge me for it, go right ahead. I'm too apathetic to give a damn.
***UPDATE***Apparently, God likes irony. Literally, as soon as I hit "post" on this entry, John's cell phone rang. It was the realtor who showed our house this morning calling to report that a pipe burst and our basement was soaked. My life has now officially hit train wreck status.
I have lived long enough to know that life isn't fair. Stuff happens, and sometimes there is no reason for it. People suffer for their sins and the sins of others. Pain is inherent in this fallen world. Yet even though I know that life isn't fair, it is still hard for me to watch people suffer who, in my personal opinion, have had more than their share of suffering in life while others skate by for years with barely a scratch on their souls. Case in point: my good friend Jen who has not had an easy life or a supportive family to walk with her through her many trials. She is getting married this weekend to a wonderful man, but even her wedding won't be crisis free. At the end of last week, her soon-to-be-husband lost the top joint on his right index and middle fingers. He was making Jen a jewelry box to surprise her and the electric saw severed those two joints. This event has created a ripple of difficulties that are all made worse by the fact that they are getting married this weekend and have the last minute wedding stress on top of everything else. And, to make matters even worse, she is living in California while most of her support network is here in the DC area. Talking with her yesterday broke my heart. In my opinion, she deserves to be happy and relaxed for at least a little while given everything else that has happened in her life. But that is just my opinion, and as Jim Carrey learned in Bruce Almighty, it easy for us to tell God how to do His job, but it's another thing for us to actually see what would happen if we had our way all the time.
I know that in even the worst of crises, God is always working for good (Romans 8:28). He uses circumstances that we see as tragic for His glory. I also know that God expects more of some people (Luke 12:48) depending on what He's given them and that He uses our trials to mold us into better people (James 1:2-4). But even knowing all this, my sense of fairness is still vastly different from my Creator's. I guess this is all part of my limited vision. God sees the bigger picture; I see only what is in front of me. God knows the greater plan; I only know what I think the plan should be. I am insignificant; God is omnipotent, omniscent, and omni-present. Many modern theologians would say that God is raising some people up to be overcomers, and He will put those people through more fire than others in order to make them stronger for His Kingdom purposes. I am in no place to tell Him who He should test and try and who He should leave alone, nor am I in any place to tell Him what His timing should be in our trials. Yet sometimes I feel the temptation to cry out to Him and ask "WHY?!" I'm sure He gets that a lot from all His limited-vision creatures. Fortunately, He understands our weaknesses (Hebrews 4:15) and is patient with our lack of understanding. He knows we will never comprehend the big picture until we see Him face to face, but He wants us to trust Him with the big picture anyway. Somedays this is more difficult than others.
In one of his boastful speeches to his friends, Job says, "I helped the poor in their need and the orphans who had no one to help them. I helped those who had lost hope, and they blessed me. And I caused the widows' hearts to sing for joy. All I did was just and honest. Righteousness covered me like a robe, and I wore justice like a turban. I served as eyes for the blind and feet for the lame. I was a father to the poor and made sure that even strangers received a fair trial. I broke the jaws of godless oppressors and made them release their victims." --Job 29:12-17
No one could deny that Job certainly did great things and no one could question why God called Job righteous. But Job's thinking was erroneous. He continues this monologue with a clear indication that he thinks that life is like a math equation where a plus b will always equal c:
"I thought, 'Surely I will die surrounded by my family after a long, good life. For I am like a tree whose roots reach the water, whose branches are refreshed with the dew. New honors are constantly bestowed on me, and my strength is continually renewed.'" --Job 29:18-20
Job could not fathom how he had come across so much trial when he was doing everything right. He thought God was obligated to bless him because of his good works. And undoubtedly that makes sense in an a + b = c world. But we don't live in such a place.
The logical person then asks, "What is the point of living my life well and doing good if I'm still going to have problems?"
As Christians, we should act in obedience as an expression of our love for God, NOT because we want to achieve a certain result. If we act in obedience because we want God to do something for us, we will quickly learn that God does not have to do what we want because He is, quite simply, God. We should act in obedience while we pass through the worst of trials because we trust that God knows what is best. We obey because of our love for and faith in God, not because we think that a + b = c whenever human actions are involved. This life is only temporary, and the only time a + b = c is when a and b are our faith in Jesus and His sacrifice for our sins and c is salvation; c cannot be obtained by any other a and b combination. If we think otherwise, we may find our good deeds to be in vain. On the other hand, we can trust that our good deeds will never be in vain when our hearts are in the right place and our deeds represent our love for a God who we may not always understand.