I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately. Perhaps this because one of my best friends recently got engaged, perhaps because another friend has a wedding coming up in two months, or perhaps because I'm still pretty new at marriage myself. I've been thinking a lot about God's plans for us in the romance and love and how quickly so many of us in our single lives have dismissed God's plans in favor of our own agenda. For myself, I know that pre-John, I was quick to buy into the Hollywood idea of marriage as an end rather than a beginning. In fact, in much of my dating life before John, I would look at a guy and wonder immediately if he was "the one" and if we would live happily ever after. Immediately. Looking back now, I realize how naive I was, how duped I was by society's ideas of romance. Our culture encourages us to become too close too quickly, and I certainly adhered to this pattern in many ways. When I reflect on the times my heart has been broken, I realize I was hurt because I was chasing after and clinging to less than God's best for me. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I didn't want to listen to God telling me to wait. I have seen so many of my sisters in Christ fall victim to this same mentality. But when we come to the other side, as I have also been blessed to see many of my sisters do, we discover that all along God really has known what He was doing. He didn't forget about us or ignore our prayers, He was just waiting for us to get to the place where we could be truly ready for His answer.
By the time I met John, I had been so burned by my own foolish decisions that I was ready to surrender to God. For the first time in my life, I let myself be courted without trying to rush or force things into place. I let a man pursue my heart and I found God's love for me in my surrender. Sometimes I wish I had trusted Him more completely earlier on with this area of my life. I would certainly have saved myself a lot of tears if I had. Other times I think that God knows how bull-headed I am and that all the while that I was getting hurt, He was waiting patiently for me to get tired of trying to do things my own way. If I have children, the virture I would pray for them to acquire earlier than I did would be patience, to write in their hearts Psalm 27:14, "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." I know how difficult it is to be patient in matters of the heart, but I have also learned what a blessing it is to trust Him for His best in this area. God brought me to a place where marriage became an honest and true expression of my love for another person and for God, a wonderful landmark in my journey rather than a culmination to my journey. He brought me to a place where marriage became a means to better glorify Him rather than to satisfy my worldly wants. We live in a world that unreasonably glorifies male-female relationships and usually cuts God out of the picture entirely. My heart breaks when I watch some of my students falling into the same mental traps that I fell into when I was younger because I know they are setting themselves up for pain. God has a simpler way, which we discover by patiently and faithfully waiting on Him. Society complicates matters of the heart, but John and I stand together as a living testimony that God is faithful even when it takes us awhile to trust Him instead of the world.
One final note for today, people often want to put a timeline on human relationships, forgetting that God exists and often works outside of our time. When we are involved in a romantic relationship, we sometimes want to speed up the process. When we are watching those we care about in a relationship, we sometimes want to slow the process down. In both cases our intentions are may be good, but we have to remember that God's timing may not look like ours. Trust in Him and know that as humans we are often wrong when we draw conclusions beacuse we don't see the whole picture that God sees. Part of faith is allowing God to move in spite our limited understanding. We need to be patient in trusting Him just as He is patient with our ignorance as we watch His plan unfold.
After an exceptionally busy week (by the way, I am sorry for not posting here sooner, but I honestly haven't had the time), John and I settled down last night in front of the TV to watch a romantic comedy, The Holiday. I sucked up every second of the sappiness and predicitably that we all find so comforting in this particular genre of film. Of course, as usual, the ending left me with questions about it's realism and concerns about what happens next. But Hollywood would rather leave those issues unaddressed since they would only serve to complicate the story line and the simplicity of a good romantic comedy is what makes it so appealing.
Another thought that struck me after we turned the movie off is how mainstream Hollywood makes billions of dollars on addressing the beginning and ending stages of relationships, but they've done very little to address the middle part. Perhaps it's because the middle part of a relationship is too complex to adequately address in a 2-hour story. Unlike the excitement of the beginning and sorrow of the ending, the middle part of a relationship is emotionally multi-faceted and usually less definable and intense, which probably intimidates most movie makers who seem stuck on the tried and true ways to make a buck. Hollywood sells to us that the only interesting parts of a relationshp are the start and the finish.
While I certainly can't argue the the middle can become laden with routine and that some of the romance seeps out after you regularly find yourself waking up to someone who looks just as terrible as you do in the morning, I still find the middle part exciting in it's own right. In addition to security, the middle part is characterized by a sacred intimacy that the beginning has yet to discover and the ending has lost along the way. While Hollywood may find the idea of two people trying to create a life together boring, I find this to be one of the best parts of being married. John and I are witnesses to each other's life while at the same time forming something new out of the space in the middle of us. A new life that neither of us would have without the other and that could not be replicated exactly with anyone else. Yet while our routine is what we have created out of the two of us, it is not what sustains us as a couple. Our deepening love and continuously evolving discovery of ourselves and each other is what nourishes us during the years that Hollywood filmmakers ignore. Complex and different, but certainly not unexciting. Part of the beauty of this part of a relationship comes not from knowing what will happen next but from knowing that no matter what happens next, we will face it together. In the beginning of The Holiday, Kate Winslet's character shares a quote attributed to Shakespeare, "Journeys end in lovers meeting." But in many ways, when lovers meet the journey is just beginning.
"You said this would be OK!"
"Of course I said yes. I love you, and I thought this would make you happy. How could I have possibly said no?"
"You're a good man."
*smiling* "So what does that make you for doing this to me?"
*blank stare* "Will our marriage survive this?"
"I think we can handle it."
No matter how quick I am to note his flaws, I'm in awe of how far out of the way he goes to make me smile. Saturday, July 8 marked one year as one flesh (Ephesians 5:31). A year that seemed to last a lifetime, yet somehow a lifetime seems too short even with all the years to come.
ME: blah, blah, blah...that was our neighbor...blah, blah...I don't like him...blah, blah...insulted our dog...blah, blah...my baby...blah, blah, blah...
*Suddenly noticing the blank stare on my companion's face*
ME: Are you even listening?
JOHN: What? Huh?
ME: That's what I thought...
Today is Valentine's day. A holiday that is truly a greeting card holiday, but one that John makes sure I enjoy. We said we wouldn't get each other gifts this year, but I got a delivery in my office. A box of M & M's that he had personalized to say "I love you, Kim". This gesture was a big hit in my office since many people didn't even know it was possible to get these candies personalized. John knows how to make me smile the brightest. Last night, he surprised me by taking me out to dinner. I wasn't expecting to go out at all since he has to work tonight and I have Bible study. Yet John decided not to be bound by the calendar and he took me to the Melting Pot last night for a Valentine's Day meal where we both indulged ourselves to the point of stuffed-ness. Starting a meal with hot cheese and ending it with melted chocolate is the fastest route to my heart. But the best part about being married to John cannot be summed up in his sweetness over the past two days. John is sweet all year. He's regularly surprising me and making me smile and he enjoys finding new ways to continually woo me even though I've already committed my life to him. I don't know how I got so lucky to end up with someone who is so good to me, but I'm grateful for who he is as much as what he does. His actions are simply reflections of his generous and caring heart.
As John and I approach our 6th month anniversary as a married couple, I've realized that marriage has done interesting things in my life. I'm becoming domesticated. I had the epiphany that this was happening tonight when I was glancing through an issue of Jane magazine, a subscription that I still hold but plan to let run out as most of the magazine is no longer relevant to me. The articles in the magazine are geared towards single 20-something women. As I skimmed over the magazine tonight, I felt old or at least like I've moved into a different phase of life. I don't care about the 15 guys I will date and dump before I turn 30. I don't care about life coaches or hangover help. After almost 6 months of marriage, I feel something very odd for me--I feel settled and comfortable. I am still not sure if I am in a career that I will stick to, but my career is not my focus anymore. I'm not a mother, and I may never be one, but I have a comfortable home and family to come home to since my husband and I count our two pets as part of our family. Maybe I'm just getting old or maybe marriage sped up the aging process for me, but even though I'm 27, I feel like a different person than I was 6 months ago. And, it's weird, but I actually like the change. Being home from work with John for the past week has increased my feelings of contentment. Of course, with my personality, part of my mind wonders when something bad will happen to disrupt my security, but I'm trying to push those thoughts away and focus on how happy I feel in the now. Maybe once my Jane subscription expires, I will be ready for Martha Stewart Living or some other domestic magazine. And to think that I used to scoff at such things. I am getting old. And I perhaps I am also getting boring. I am sure the two do not have to go together, but maybe I've been boring all along I just hid it under angst and tequilla.
two bodies
but our veins run the same course
the blood that flows through me
flows also through him
and his blood
likewise through me
marital ties
that transcend
our physiologies
one by law
one by spirit
one by body
completely together
complete together
In spite of how happy I am to be married overall, John and I definitely have our conflicts. They are not daily, or even weekly for that matter, but they do occur. I've noticed that the issue of respect is a common theme that permeates 90% of our disagreements. I don't mean the "respect my authority" kind of respect, but rather the "respect my space" and "respect my stuff" and "respect my time" and "respect my feelings" and "respect my ideas" kind of respect that people in all types of relationships deal with to some degree. Marriage can exacerbate these issues because another person has constant access to your space, stuff, and time, and as much access as you give them to your feelings and ideas, even when clear boundaries are set. Privacy is at a minimum in marriage, and this is where trust comes into play again. If we set aside time and space that is to be only mine or only his, we have to trust the other person to respect those boundaries. And, when (not if) the boundaries are crossed, the breach can seem like a betrayal of trust even more so than in relationships where boundaries are clearer than they are between a husband and a wife. These feelings of betrayal and disrespect breed conflict.
Now, I realize that some may question whether or not husbands and wives should have any separateness since we become "one" when we get married, so I will briefly pause here to address that question. I definitely think that a certain amount separateness is important in order to maintain individual sanity--sanity which will ultimately make the marriage stronger. Brief time apart each day or each week allows each spouse to rejuvinate and to return to togetherness without fear of becoming completely sick of the other person. This sanity-maintaining alone time helps prevent the constant feelings of being at odds with the other person that marriage-gone-wrong produces. The amount and nature of the time and space each person needs will obviously vary from person to person and marriage to marriage, but I think some personal time and space is a clearly established need in a healthy marriage. For some people, these boundaries can take place outside of the home at work or at play, but for others alone-time may be needed at home as well.
Clear communication is necessary to boundary establishment. If I say I need an hour by myself, I need to be assured that I will have that hour I requested and not just 40 minutes. In my marriage, this is tricky because our house barely holds the two of us, and so neither of us has a space that is just ours. So, if John and I are sitting on the couch and I say, "I need an hour to [read, practice yoga, call my mom, nap] so I am going upstairs," John has to be able to say, "OK, I will stay down here for the next hour so that you can have that time." And vice versa. Same thing with feelings and ideas. If I say, "What you did made me feel [sad, angry, defensive, irritated]," I need John to say, "I may not understand why you feel that way, but I am sorry that what I did caused you to feel like that." And vice versa. Basic respect issues. Seems simple enough, yet these very issues are what constantly create 90% of the division between us. We are both smart, people-savvy individuals, yet when we get together we can sometimes forget our intellectual and relational skills and become ill-mannered. I read an article about this in last month's Experience Life magazine that supports that our respect problem is one that many married couples experience. Even in this article, the solutions are simple on paper, but in practice an unwavering committment to behavior change is not so easy to muster. Especially after a long week at work.
Marriage, I am learning, requires continuously upgrading your active love of the other person. Marriage is not just about love, it's also about embarking on a life-long journey of discovery of another person. Learning how to love and respect someone else requires both a constant awareness of yourself and the other person as well as a deeply-embedded genuine excitement for learning how to make the other person light up. Marriage vows require a serious understanding that it's not always going to be easy or fun to fulfill your committment to each other. However, marriage vows also come with the hope and promise that if you are both committed to making your love last, marriage is going to be worth persevering through the un-easy and un-fun times when you know that each day you will both become better at loving the other person and therefore your love and marriage will become better as well. Or, at least, this is the theoretical, utopian goal.
By the way, the other 10% of the problems John and I have are issues that are by and large out of our financial control at the moment. I may write about those issues another time.
As some of my long-time readers might recall, back in the spring of 2004, I devoted many entries on this site to an old flame. Even though I'm married now, I do still occasionally ponder my past and wonder what happened to get me to where I am today. I remember when this particular man broke up with me, I told him that I would find someone who would give me a safe picket fence life, but that I didn't want that kind of life. I wanted a life with passion, and I did not see how passion could co-exist with a picket fence. To me, the two seemed opposite. Passion is exciting; picket fences are boring. Passion has a hint of danger; picket fences are safe. Passion is what makes us feel alive; picket fences are for people who go through the motions but don't fully embrace life.
A few months after this man exited my life, I met my picket fence man. When I said what I said to my ex, I didn't necessarily think I was being prophetic. I didn't know if I'd ever fall in love again, let alone with someone I met not too long after my heart had begun to mend. I certainly didn't believe as soon as I met this new man that I would ever fall for him the way I fell for my ex. Even though we were married barely over a year after we first met, the passion was not an instantaneous development. It took awhile for me to develop a passion for working with young people, and it took awhile for me to develop a passion for someone who was so very different from what I thought I could feel passionate about--someone who was stable and kind. Stable and kind spoke loudly of picket fences in my mind, and I didn't want picket fences.
But since that time, John has taught me that it's not only possible for picket fences to co-exist with passion, but it's more beautiful than passion without the picket fence part. To me, the picket fence is still about safety and trust, but I've learned that safety and trust is what makes an even deeper passion possible. In what is probably my favorite song on her most recent CD, Tori Amos sings, "The sexiest thing is trust." She's right. I have married a man that I trust completely, and while that is still scary to me, it is also exciting. Any time someone gives another person trust, a power transfer comes along with it. My total trust in John gives him power over me. Because my guard is down, he has the power to destroy me emotionally, and that is somewhat frightening. But at the same time, it's exciting to trust someone with everything and to know he trusts me with everything, too. I'm sitting at home right now. John is laying on the coach in sweatpants and an old tee-shirt. He had a wisdom tooth pulled yesterday, and he's doped up on perscription painkillers, so he's been napping most of the day. A couple of years ago, this scene would seem mundane and miserable to me. Today, there is nowhere else that I want to be instead. I couldn't have envisioned that I'd feel so content in these circumstances before I met John and fell in love. But the passion makes the picket fence as exciting as the picket fence makes the passion.
I had somewhat of an epiphany this morning, if I can use the word in a broad sense. In my pre-John relationships, such as the one with Nick that I thoroughly documented on this site before my site went down, I battled daily with insecurity. I never felt adequate and I never trusted the guy. I made myself crazy and in the process drove others crazy with my insecurity. I realized this morning that I am no longer that insecure person. Since John entered my life, I am not even a shadow of who I used to be. For the first time in my life, I trust a man completely. To me, that is the beauty of marriage--complete security in another human being.
Marriage is by no means a smooth ride every day. John and I have had our angry moments where we've both questioned what we were thinking when we agreed to this union. I've cried, he's sulked; I've yelled, he's given me the silent treatment; we've slept on opposite sides of the bed and once in different rooms entirely. We've broken the rule about letting the sun set on our anger and we've both learned what it means to take for granted and to be taken for granted. But ultimately, neither of us doubt that our hearts have found their home, and that is where our marriage has been a success.
At its best, marriage is a fulfillment of many Biblical promises. For me, the one that stands out most this morning after my epiphany is Jeremiah 29:11--"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Through John, God has given me a hopeful future. A hopeful future is not a "happily ever after" future, but it is a future that I look forward to because God is in control of all of the uncertainities and I can trust Him even more than I trust John. Marriage in its ideal form is analogous to the relationship that Christians have with their Creator. Any good that I have in my marriage is even better in my relationship with God. As John and I grow closer and deepen our trust in each other, our closeness with God and trust in Him is also deepening because we see His reflection in each other.