John and I got a new scale. Our old one broke. Even after I replaced the battery it still said I weighed 65 pounds. The new one we got is an upgrade from our old-school digital scale. This new one measures our body fat and our hydration levels as well as our weight. At least it is supposed to. Apparently, the little "harmless" beams that the scale shoots up through our bodies to read our fat cannot penetrate properly when a person's thighs are touching. And as I discovered yesterday when I decided to test this magical machine out, I cannot stand on the scale in such a way that my thighs don't touch, so basically the only real number I can get from the scale is my body weight. Just like on our old boring scale before it went on the fritz. And maybe the fact that I cannot keep my thighs from touching on the scale says all I really need to know about my body fat anyway.
Or maybe it's just further proof that I live in a society that struggles to recognize individual body differences. I think the only time my thighs did not touch is when I was severely underweight from my anorexia. And even then I remember having a conversation with my mom saying that it was unfair that the only way I could make my legs fit society's standard is when I lost enough weight that I no longer had breasts that fit society's standard. Lesson: my body simply wasn't designed the way society wants it to look. The last time I had my body fat measured at the gym it was 17% percent. My guess is that it's up from that number because of the knee issue that sidelined me completely for the entire first half of 2007, but it's probably not up to an unhealthy range since I've been exercising regularly again since June even though I still can't run. I am healthy, but I'm built with more curve in my thighs than in my hips. The lifting and cardio that I do regularly have worked together to build the muscle and make it stronger, but my fitness level hasn't change the fact that my thighs touch. My new scale--like most clothing designers, by the way--does not understand that part of my shape.
And neither do a lot of people who can only view my body through society's distorted lens. Let me take a moment to recap some of the completely unsolicited words that people have used in relation to my body over the years:
"You know, if you lowered the level on the elliptical machine, you would build lean muscles instead of bulky ones." --some older gentleman at my gym in college who didn't even tell me his name but had no problem giving me exercise advise. Maybe I like my bulky muscles, you bastard.
"I like to cook, so I like to date women who like to eat, and well...." --some guy I only went out with once who gestured at my body while saying "well...". And the funny thing is, he kept calling for a second date. Idiot.
"I wish I had your legs." --a much thinner colleague who worked at another high school while we were away on a business trip and I was feeling fat. This woman actually envied my muscular legs. What? Wow.
"Now all you have to do is some cardio to lose the fat." --a man I used to lift with.
"You've got a little sister hip." --a woman I just met that day as she reached over and touched my thigh while a group of us were discussing weight. I was more offended than complemented given the nature of the conversation we were having and the fact that the comment that proceeded that one was someone who I knew longer talking about how in shape I am. I can't believe that even with my history and strong feelings about body issues that I am still a woman who engages in these conversations about how much I wished I fit society's standards and then I get offended when someone implies that I don't. Am I really that much of a hypocrite? I guess so.
"You can definitely hit the ball harder than that. You're legs are like tree trunks." --a former colleague during practice for our work softball team. Unfortunately, tree trunks may have lots of good characteristics, but most females in our plastic society would rather have their legs described as wispy flower stems than solid tree trunks.
"Are you anorexic? No? Well, then I think you look fantastic." --a friend after I lost a little too much weight in high school. Interestingly, that obsession also started with a scale.
I could go on and one at the numerous amount of feedback about my body that virtual strangers have felt their duty to share with me over the years. But I won't, because it's silly and a little sad that I remember all of that and even sillier and sadder that a lot of other women with my body image ailment could probably share things that were said about their bodies by people who don't matter in their lives any more than the above people matter in mine. In truth, society may have cast the mold women are supposed to fit, but we women keep the mold strong every time we bow down to it by reducing ourselves to words and numbers that really have nothing at all to do with the wonder of our bodies. Our bodies that can lift weights, run marathons, carry babies, wipe tears, and smell roses. Our bodies are so much more than measurements or comments--the things that society focuses on while all the beauty and truth of our unique differences gets blurred in the background. My resolution this year is not about losing weight or working out more so that I can hopefully approximate society's beauty ideal a little better. My resolution is to finally learn to let go of the words that others have to say about how I look and to use my intellect to remember some more significant things, like maybe a new language or new skill that has nothing whatsoever to do with what society wants out of me.
I know that feminism and Christianity make for uncomfortable bedfellows in most circles. Feminism brings with it the idea of girl power and this frightens the church who often seems to confuse submissiveness with worthlessness. In His ministry, Jesus made it very clear that women have value to God outside of the kitchen, but in some ways I think that the church has a difficult time reconciling the full value of women with the traditional idea of a woman's role. So instead of attempting such a reconciliation, some Christians gasp at the mention of the word feminism and focus only on a woman's role as mother and wife. As a Christian, I don't think that feminism has to be a dirty word to the church because I don't see feminism as being about this frightful female domination movement so much as I see it being about women claiming their full worth and walking in that worth. Without delving any further into feminism and the church today (that will take another post), I do need to say that as a woman I am appalled by some of the events that I have heard about and recent headlines that I have seen in the so-called news. In fact, I am so appalled by what these events and headlines say about our society that I just can't keep quiet about it.
Earlier this week I ran into a female acquaintance who told me about a sexual harrassment case that she recently filed at work. I had heard about this case from one of the males who works in her department whom I talk to on a regular basis. From his perspective, the woman is too sensitive and can't take a joke. When I heard her story and learned what these "jokes" were and how since filing the case she has been ostracized by both the men and the women in her department, I was outraged. The things that were said to her offended me when she was retelling them, and I would have probably reacted the same as she did if these comments were made to my face. I would think that most women would, but apparently her female colleagues were unaffected and unable to see how it involves them. By allowing sexual harrassment to continue around us and by dismissing it as boys being boys (which is what my acquaintance's female supervisor did), women are condoning our own objectification when we should be raging against it.
I know that American Idol is last week's news, but I have been infuriated that more of the headlines that I have seen since Jordin Sparks won the title have been about her weight rather than her vocal talent. All of this apparently started when one woman, MeMe Roth of the National Action Against Obesity, declard Jordin obese on a national news show. In the aftermath of Roth's comments, one website geared towards contemporary women created a poll to rate whether or not other women also find Jordin to be obese. (Of course, this is the same website where women can vote on all kinds of superficial aspects of famous females such as hairstyle and fashion sense which only adds to my point). To me it is completely ridiculous that we women find the need to perpetuate the myth that we have nothing more to offer the world that a nice figure and a pretty face. We should be building each other up instead of tearing each other down. In Jordin's case, we should be celebrating her talent and her inner light that shines so brightly on her face rather than rating her weight.
Just this afternoon, I saw a video clip online of has-been celebrity Danny Bonaduce calling women "bitches" and giving one a disgusting lap dance and then lifting her over his head, basically proving that she's nothing more than dead weight to him. Not suprisingly, Adam Corolla of the exceptionally degrading Man Show was cheering him on from the background. Adam Corolla and Jimmy Kimmel (the co-host of the former Man Show) have offended me so much that I shudder even to hear their names because their treatment of women is the stuff of the dark ages. But what offends me even more is the women who willingly and actively participate in their own degredation at the hands of these men. In the video I saw with Bonaduce, for instance, the women were laughing and smiling as if they truly did measure all of their self-worth on the fact that these chauvanists find their scantily clad bodies enticing, just like the "juggies" on the Man Show who willingly bounced around on a trampoline and accepted such a degrading job title.
If we want the world to take us seriously and honor us for our substance, then we need to start taking ourselves seriously and honoring each other for substantial reasons rather than superficial ones. We complain about the glass ceiling and other double standards, but even if we blame the men for putting these double standards in place, women are the ones keeping them active every time we turn around and cattily bad mouth one of our sisters. We want men to respect our worth, but first we must respect our own worth. We cannot and will not be anything more than objects to some people until we as a unified whole demand to be more. Yes, I can certainly acknowledge that women have come a long way over the past several decades in the US, but with everything I have seen and heard this past week alone, I will not sit back and deny that we still have a long way to go.
Apparently a new report has been released that says sexualized images in the media lead to eating disorders, low self-esteem, and depression in girls. Um...duh. It's through the media that girls learn that their primary value in our culture is based on their appearance--how thin they are, how sexy they are, etc. It's through the media that girls learn what "beauty" is--size 4 legs and size C breasts (btw, these two do not occur that often together in nature). It's through the media that girls learn that it's better to walk around with an all-day wedgie from a thong than to be in comfortable underwear with a panty line. Is it really that surprising that when they are daily bombarded with sexualized images and ideas that young girls would begin to see their only value lies in their appearance? Is it surprising that they would then compare themselves to these images and become distraught when they see they don't measure up?
I agree that the parents at home have some responsibilty for the development of their child's self esteem, but part of the problem is that even the most well-meaning parents inadvertantly reinforce the media's idea of girls by never discussing society's perception of women at all. If a girl doesn't hear anything at home one way or another, she's probably going to listen to the message she is hearing from outside the home since no one is telling her it's wrong. Young girls want to please. The media tells them one way to do this, and if that's the only way they hear, it's natural for them to buy into it. Other well-meaning parents reinforce the media's image by allowing their daughters to wear clothing with suggestive phrases across the chest and/or butt. Really, does a 9-year old need to wear a shirt that says "sexy" in order to express herself? Other parents reinforce the media's image by visibly buying into it themselves with their own focus on physical appearance and image over things of substance such as character development, education, and personality. This is difficult for many parents because even though we may want to tell the younger generation, "do as I say, not as I do," children are more inclined to listen to our actions and attitudes than our words.
I work in a high school, and I have students taking weight loss pills and throwing up their food because that seems to them to be a more worthwhile use of their time and energy than studying. Believe me, I understand their pain. It was in high school that I began the diet that led into my anorexia and subsequent battles with other eating disorder behavior. And I can't say this enough--no matter how many people tell you an eating disorder isn't about the weight, it certainly was for me. Sure, my preoccupation stemmed from my low self-esteem but part of my low self-esteem stemmed from my weight, so it becomes a question of which came first and, no matter how you slice it, weight factors in. And the weight factors in because of the images in the media that I saw every day. So it is no surprise to me that a study is now linking the images of women in the media to depression, low self-esteem, and eating disorders in girls. That's what happened to me.
Nichole Nordeman sums it up well in her song, "Is It Any Wonder?":
Is it any wonder
That she would feel less than real
When she reveals what is clearer
In her mirror
Take a look around her
Magazines, glamour queens
Waist-line dreams in her diary
So inspiring
Nobody told her that little girls
Don't have to have the softest curls for love
So whatever's left inside her
Is gonna smile wider, shine brighter
Until she gets pulled under
Is it any wonder?
I can't stand that new Dr. Pepper commercial. You know the one with the words "I want it all/I want it all/I want it all/And I want it now" blaring in the background while the guy jumps from scene to scene. How obnoxious. I mostly hate it because that song is pretty much the motto of our culture. So much so that I think those words concisely sum up all of the problems with our society. We are so materialistic and self-focused that we have no clue who God is or what He wants for our lives. And we don't really care because we're so consumed with our collective sense of entitlement that we don't see the need to concern ourselves about the bigger picture at all.
God has some things to say about greed that would make most Americans stop in their tracks if they took the time to listen and really understand what He is saying. I will just highlight a few key points from the Bible on materialism.
Then he said to them, "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions." --Luke 12:15
These are words straight from the mouth of our Savior. The enemy has infiltrated American culture so deeply that many of us truly believe that our lives do in fact consist of the abundance of our possessions. One of my favorite lines from Rent is "And when you're living in America/At the end of the millenium/You're what you own." We're now at the beginning of a new millenium and these words still ring true. Many of us in the upper-middle class sector spend our days slaves to jobs we don't like because we say we need the money. Maybe there is something we would rather be doing, but that would mean a pay cut and a sacrifice of the lifestyle we love. The line between what we truly need and what we simply want is so blurred that when we speak we say we need it all. Inadvertantly or not, we have given our lives to our possessions. We still feel empty because we are missing the abundance of life that God has for us that has nothing to do with what we own. But instead of recognizing our emptiness for what it is, we seek to fill it with even more possessions.
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people. --Ephesians 5:3
Paul is pretty clear here. The very things which permeate American culture are basically the opposite of what God wants to see in our lives. The enemy has used the media to normalize that which is improper for God's children. I am certain it breaks God's heart to see how many of His children have chosen the enemy's path rather than God's path. Falling into Satan's trap of immorality is not an excuse to stay there when God has given us access to the truth. Maybe it is difficult to overcome the daily pressure from the media to live a certain lifestyle, but nowhere in the Bible are we promised an easy life when we become Christians. Part of the way God refines us is through our daily battle with temptation. We cannot get away with using the influence of the media as an excuse for leading improper lives. We are called to overcome the lure of materialism and we will be held accountable for our lifestyles, including how we use the financial gifts He's given us.
Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. --Colossians 3:5
Paul's words in the verse are similar to the verse above from Ephesians, but what we need to focus on now is that last word: idolatry. Our materialism translates into idolatry because we are worshipping our posessions. God does bless us materially sometimes, but if our possessions become our focus instead of the One who gave them to us, we are idol worshippers. When we walk around with the "I want it all" mantra cycling through our heads, that attitude becomes part of our hearts and our spriits and we live subject to our things rather than to subject to our Creator. God is jealous (Exodus 34:14). He wants our whole selves--heart, mind, body, soul--and He is angered when we give all or part of ourselves to anyone or anything other than Him. This is the sin of materialism and the very definition of idolatry. Many of us give our things and the pursuit of more things lordship in our lives.
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence." --Matthew 23:25
I saved these words from Jesus because His description of the Pharisees sums up the lifestyle of so many Christians living in our society today. We purify our lives from the outside rather than from the inside. We spout off self-righteous words, but our lives reflect hypocrisy rather than purity. We are quick to cast judgment on others for the sin we see in their lives (sexual sin being a favorite topic of judgment for many Christians), but we don't recognize the areas of sin in our own lives. Certainly it is easier to dwell on the things we are doing well rather than to look at the areas where we are failing God's call on our lives. Much like in Jesus' day, our society focuses all of its attention on outside appearances which is how we got so caught up in materialism in the first place--our possessions are easy to see and an easy way to measure our worth. But Jesus called the Pharisees to look at the inside rather than the outside, and He is calling us to do the same.
At the beginning of DC Talk's "What if I Stumble" song, a recording says, "The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable." If our mantra is our culture's mantra, "I want it all," then this becomes our lifestyle. People can tell by looking at us whether we serve the God of the Bible or our culture's god of greed. Which god do you live for?
I don't understand the kind of cruelty it takes to randomly and sensely beat someone to death like three teenagers in Fort Lauderdale did recently. Authorities say these boys attacked at least three homeless men with paintball guns and baseball bats. These attacks seem to be done out of sport, not because of a vendetta against the particular victims. Two of the three attackers were 18 and one was 17. Certianly at the age both legally and developmentally speaking where they can differentiate between right and wrong. Right and wrong may have been taught to them, but the message obviously didn't get through. Beating someone to death is much more personal and involved than shooting someone with a gun. A gun can cause instant death if the shooter knows what he's doing. It takes a deeper and different kind of malice to fatally beat someone because the victim probably isn't dead with the first whack from your bat. You have to keep plowing into them, watching them writhe in pain and listening to their cries. With three boys doing this, you would think at least one of them would feel a twinge of guilt strong enough to say, "This isn't right." Every living thing deserves to have some dignity. Being unwillingly shot with a paintball gun and beaten with a bat by strangers is not a dignified way to go. But I guess if these boys can't even determine what's right and wrong, they certainly can't understand the concept of dignity.
Last night when I was home by myself, I turned on CMT (country music television) for some background noise. The show I picked up near the beginning was the 20 Sexiest Videos of 2005. I watched for about half an hour and I found myself somewhat disgusted and somewhat perplexed at the videos that made the cut. Some of these words and images were so un-subtle that to me they appeared trashy rather than sexy. But apparently my definition of sexy does not fit music television's model. To me, it's sexier to be subtle than glaringly obvious. I'd rather see a hint of something than all of it. Singing about having sex in the hay is not titillating, it's raunchy. Maybe this is why I prefer the love in classic movies and classic stories to that described in more modern tales. I like stuff to be left to my imagination rather than spelled out for me. Sexy, to me, is in the undertones rather than the obvious. Somehow that is lost on the new generation. I see it in the way that some of the female students at my high school dress; I saw it in the bars and clubs I hit when I was in college; I see it every time I see an advertisement for Girls Gone Wild. The new sexy is the old trashy. I don't know if we can blame Brittney and Christina or if this trashy trend began even before their time. Maybe I'm too old fashioned at the young age of 27, but I don't see dressing like a whore being a statement of feminism like Lil' Kim and Christina would like us to believe. I see it as a statement of the short attention span and low imagination level of a digital cable, internet, and graphic video game world where the art of seduction has become the act of not putting enough on to make someone wonder what it would be like if it was off. Trashiness, Christina, cannot be retermed into "exploring your sexuality," it's just trashy. Sexy is about romance and mystery; trashy is about one night stands where there is no mystery, only a quick physical fix. Many of the videos they were pushing as sexy on CMT were of the trashy kind rather than the sexy kind. And I guess that show was a statement of the redefinition of sexy in our society. A statement that speaks to me of modern loss rather than modern advancement.
In the midst of all the chaos, the senseless violence, the ceaseless crimes, our country pulls further and further away from the faith of the founding fathers. Indiana says no to Christian prayer, which is very politically correct and even constitutional under the idea of separation of church and state. But as a Christian, I think we need prayer now more than ever. That's not me trying to force my beliefs upon others, it's just me saying that I don't like to watch our country heap burning coals upon our heads anymore than necessary. We do a good enough job of heaping coals upon ourselves individually; it breaks my heart to see us do it en masse as a nation as well.
While I enjoy the holiday season and the good cheer that everyone wants to spread, sometimes I get frustrated that this is the only time of year that a lot of us consider the less fortunate. During this time of year, charitable contributions are at an annual high and churches are more likely to send their members out into the front lines of the inner city. We use this time of year to make up for the rest of the year when we are less generous with our time and money. But the needy are in need all year, not just during December.
Before I continue, let me clarify that I am no better than anyone else in this regard. During the holiday season, I may jump on the serving bandwagon to go deliver food to the homeless, but the rest of the year you will catch me in my climate controlled house rather than walking the streets of DC or Baltimore with food in my hands. I am just as guilty as the majority of turing a blind eye during the non-Holiday time of year, and I am aware of how hypocritical I am in this case.
Wednesday of last week, I was anxious to leave work and go home for the four-day weekend. I did not want to be held up by the family that was supposed to come to my office on Tuesday to pick up the basket of food that the staff had donated to them because of their great need. The closer the hands of the clock crept to 2:30 on Wednesday, the more antsy I was becoming and the less patient I was feeling with waiting for this homeless family to figure out a way to get here. I called the friend's house where the family has been staying. They have no car, so the mother asked another one of her friends to come to collect the food.
At exactly 2:30, this friend showed up. He was in a wheelchair and he could barely speak. But he smiled and took the food, and painfully thanked us for caring. He then wheeled his way across the street to wait in the cold for the bus to take him and the food basket home.
This man stopped me dead in my tracks, stunned at the selfish life that I lead when there are so many who have so little. I am disgusted at my complaints of not having enough when I have so much. I am disgusted at my skill of looking the other way when someone with nothing asks me to spare some change. I have no right to want more when I am not even a good steward of the resources I do have, selfishly squandering them on myself more often than sharing them with others. I'd love to tell you that I have resolved to change my ways and become more generous year-round, but I hesitate to make a promise that I have failed to keep so many times in the past.
The majority of adulterous affairs begin by relationships that were established through work. Last night, I went out to dinner with my friend Allison. I told her about the pattern of infidelity at my current place of employment, which, by the way, far surpasses similar patterns at other jobs I've had even though I've worked for much larger companies than this one. Another counselor in my department is a married to a teacher here. When they met as employees at this school, he was married to someone else and she was engaged to someone else. Both of those committments ended when they found each other instead. The varsity field hockey coach that I worked with here is also a homewrecker. He has successfully managed to get another teacher who he met here to leave her husband and two young children for him. She is not even divorced yet and the two of them have just purchased a $650K home together not far down the road from where John and I live. The athletic director here has wrecked his own marriage by telling his wife that he wants to be a bachelor again. He left her with her with their child and moved in with the husband and kids of the teacher who the varsity field hockey coach ran off with. We have so much drama here that they may as well rename this school Days of our Lives.
Even though I, and all of the aforementioned people, work in education, and one would think that the leaders of the school would want to show the students an example of a happy marriage in light of everything else that the students see going on at this place, it turns out that the quite the opposite is true. My husband and I both work at this school, but we never see each other unless we go out of the way to see each other. At the beginning of the school year, we ate lunch together every day (eat lunch, not hold hands or kiss or coo sweet nothings to each other, nothing inappropriate at all). Then our principal saw us and told us that such behavior is forbidden. At first I thought this was because as a counselor, I do not get a lunch break (or a planning period whereas the classroom teachers here have a lunch AND a minimum of two planning periods). But then I read in my contract that I am entitlted to take lunch. Just not with John, apparently. I don't see these other adulterous relationships being dealt with and they all occur under this same roof. Yet John and I are punished for wanting to be with each other instead of someone else. The majority of adulterous relationships begin at work. From my perspective, John and I should be encouraged to spend time together during our breaks so that we do not create another scandal in this school. But that's not the way our leadership sees it. Maybe spouse swapping is the new family value system that our school wants to show our students. Or maybe there are so many unhappy couples that they don't know how to handle a happy one.
Because I am fascinated by the minds of people who kill other people, I am, of course, following the Pamela Vitale murder case. More than most, this story interests me because the culprit is (alledgedly) a 16 year old troubled boy. And this was not an impersonal school shooting. This was a hands-on crime, one that in my mind takes a different kind of madness to commit. What could go so wrong with this boy that by the time he turns 16 that he become capable of brutal murder? Was it a flaw that he was born with that drove him to commit such an act? Or was brutality and disregard for life something that he learned in his environment? If his mother is in fact guilty of accessory to murder, then it has to be at least some of the latter. Nature or nurture is complex. It's usually a combination of both, and I'm sure this case is no exception. With train-wreck-like wonder, I'll be watching as the story continues to unfold....
After field hockey practice today, I decided to take my dog for a walk to enjoy the warm evening. I went home, picked her up, and drove to a nearby lake that I enjoy visiting. Even though she is a miniature, my dog loves to walk and has a surprising amount of endurance in her tiny legs. The path around the lake is two miles. She jogs along the whole way and still has enough energy to wrestle with my cat as soon as we get home. In addition to the energy expenditure, my dog particulary enjoys walks around the lake because there are so many people to get attention from and so many other dogs to greet.
My dog, unlike me, has no concept of time. This truth was evident again tonight when I found myself becoming increasingly uneasy as the skies became increasingly darker while my dog continued to bounce around without a care in the world. As dusk fell over the lake before we were even halfway through our walk, the crowds on the path started to diminish. I found my mind replaying years of Fox News stories of young women abducted, raped, and murdered. Maybe I've read too many of those stories, maybe my imagination is just too wild, or maybe it's a combination of the two, but I saw new headlines tonight: "Young woman disappears in park. Car found abadoned in parking lot." "Small dog floated to the top of a lake." "Woman's body surfaces solving a year-long mystery." I could also hear John repeating to reporters on national TV the conversation that we had just last night: "She said last night that she didn't feel safe walking by herself after dark because of the dangers. I don't know why she would be out here the very next night."
It's sad that I can't enjoy a walk by myself at dusk without any uneasiness. Maybe I am just buying into the mass hysteria that the media sells us at bulk rates. Even though I could tell myself that I'm being unreasonable and that the area where I live is safe, that doesn't mean that I would be wise to go out by myself after dark as a woman. It's the safe areas where people are always taken by surprise; its the safe areas where crime still makes the national news. And it's those national news stories that ring clearly enough in my head to make my paranoia seem legitimate in our world today.
As the news stories about my untimely demise were reeling through my mind, another thought entered my head--in a few weeks, this 7:30 light will be 6:30. Daylight savings time is a curse on a working woman who wants to exercise outside and has no exercise partner (or no pepper spray). Fortunately, I am a working woman in education, so once my coaching season ends this year, I will still have a few more hours of daylight. With a miniature dog, I'll need those extra hours if we're going to take any more walks by ourselves. She's not big enough to be intimidating to a predatory man. So for the safety of us both, I must keep us out of the darkness. Sorry news folks.